Food & Receipts

My mother blamed herself for the divorce, so she couldn’t teach me how to save a marriage. But her next words left me stunned.

My mother's response to my criticism took me by surprise and made me realize my mistake.

24 December, 2023

203

I have been married for 5 years, with 2 children. Our life is neither lacking nor excessively affluent. We don’t have many family issues because we live far apart. However, my husband and I are argumentative, and our conversations often turn into debates within a few minutes. This has been a recurring issue since we were dating. Sometimes, I wonder why we kept arguing and still got married.

There have been moments when we couldn’t control ourselves and had heated arguments in front of our children, making our little one cry. It’s only then that we stop. In my family, gentle and sweet words are considered rare, it’s normal for us to bicker with each other. When my mother visited and witnessed our arguments, she said to me privately, “Men can be stubborn and hot-tempered, so women should speak less. Men suffer because of gentleness, so what does winning or losing achieve? When one person wins, both lose.” I replied, annoyed, “Have you ever seen him admit his mistakes? Should women just give in even when their husbands are wrong?” My mother said, “It’s not about who is right or wrong, it’s about what you want here. Men also need to change, but it’s important for us to change first.”

In the heat of the argument, I asked my mother, “If that’s the case, why did you and dad get divorced?” My question left my mother silent. She went to play with the grandchildren. While I was doing laundry, my mother came out and said, “The breakup of your father and me is a lesson for you. Divorce is easier than saving a marriage, so sometimes people choose the easier option. Saving a marriage is difficult. If you don’t try to win against your husband, he will soften. Whenever you want to win against him, he will be strong and argue. The wise person may seem to lose but actually wins. And I couldn’t save the family for you because back then, I wanted to win against your father as well. Now your father is happier because the woman he loves seems to hold a lower status, but in reality, she holds more power over him. In a family, when one person wins, everybody loses, and when no one wins, everyone wins. I realized I was wrong, so I accepted the consequences, that’s why I’ve been living humbly all these years.”

That night, I thought a lot about what my mother said and regretted my impulsive words to her. People who have been divorced can still talk about how to be happy. They have stepped out and can see things more clearly. People like my father’s second wife, whom many people used to say had no voice in the family, turned out to be admirable because she doesn’t need to argue to “control” the family. Divorce or previous failures in marriage doesn’t mean people don’t have the right to teach their children how to maintain a marriage. What matters is what those people realize and see after the breakup.

It suddenly struck me why many people say I resemble my mother in her youth. In recent years, I see my mother living silently and peacefully. If back then my father hadn’t married his second wife, perhaps my mother would have tried to save the marriage when she realized her mistakes. Unfortunately, when my parents separated, by the time my mother realized, my father had already found someone new. This woman doesn’t talk much, doesn’t need to win against my father, but she still “controls” him.

I look back at our arguments as a couple and see many pointless and humorous debates. Sometimes we argue just because of a detail in a movie or because I tell a story about my friend’s husband cheating while my husband doesn’t want to hear it, and then I blame him for not listening. Sometimes it’s about something directly related to our family, like when my husband forgets to turn off the faucet, and I complain while he doesn’t apologize, but blames me for talking too much. Sometimes it’s just me not wanting to give in because I’m afraid of being in an inferior position, so I have to show the strength of my household. It turns out that if we view life from a different perspective, things would be different.

The next day, I took my mother to the bus station, and when I apologized, she said, “I should be the one apologizing to you because for many years, I couldn’t honestly tell you about my own mistakes in my marriage with your father. If I had spoken honestly to you earlier about my shortcomings, you might have realized them sooner. It’s not easy to admit one’s mistakes and use them as lessons for our children.”