Parental bad-mouthing of their spouse in front of their children can have profound negative effects on their psychological and emotional development. It also affects how children perceive family relationships and diminishes their trust in their parents’ love for each other.
Growing up in a conflict-ridden family can make children feel insecure and unloved, leaving long-lasting psychological scars.
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Therefore, parental bad-mouthing of their spouse not only affects their relationship but also has profound effects on their children’s psychological and emotional development later in life.
We all know that a positive family environment, where respect and love are expressed, is crucial for the development and formation of children’s personalities.
On this issue, psychologist Nguyen Ngoc Vui provides deeper insights to help parents find appropriate ways to interact based on love and respect, while minimizing negative impacts on their children.
Why do parents in some families often speak ill of each other? Is this a sign of an unhappy family?
In reality, there are many families where parents speak ill of each other. However, there is currently no basis for concluding that this is a sign of an unhappy family, as we need to consider many aspects, including cultural context, gestures, and expressions of love and respect within the family.
In some cases, while parents may express negative words, they also convey humorous underlying messages about each other. Nonetheless, it could indicate a lack of mutual respect and politeness.
A person who knows how to respect and be polite will typically look for the good in others and offer encouragement and praise. Instead of seeking flaws to ridicule or criticize.
How might children react to hearing negative comments about their parents, such as “Your father is useless” or “Your mother is good for nothing”? How might these reactions influence their future behaviors?
I once had a client who struggled with her 13-year-old daughter’s rebellious and unruly behavior. The girl often said things like “You’re such a child” and “You’re so weak” to her mother, which surprised me greatly.
After a heartfelt conversation, the girl confided that she had picked up this habit from her father at a young age. She explained that whenever she saw her mother crying, her father would mock her with those same words, unconsciously shaping the girl’s perception that she was doing something good by imitating her father.
Consequently, this inadvertently sets a bad example for the child, who may replicate such behavior. Even if they don’t, they could still become confused by their parents’ behavior, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth and respect for family members.
If children witness their parents speaking ill of each other, will they develop a negative view of love and marriage? Could this influence their choice of spouse in the future?
This is entirely possible, as children tend to learn by observing and internalizing their parents’ actions and words, which then shape their perceptions of love and marriage.
Currently, there are no statistics or studies proving that witnessing parental bad-mouthing will directly impact children’s choice of spouse. However, attachment theory in the context of love and relationships does address this issue.
When children are exposed to insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, and witness a lack of respect and love within their family, they are more likely to seek similar relationships in the future.
In some exceptional cases, individuals may only feel satisfied or comfortable when criticized or mistreated by others, indicating that their childhood experiences were filled with unhappiness and an unhealthy family environment.
Can you suggest some strategies to help parents improve their communication and conflict resolution skills, thereby creating a positive and supportive family environment for their children?
In Vietnamese culture, it is believed that one should maintain social relationships outside the home, but when returning home, the family is where one can truly be oneself and feel comfortable. As a result, people tend to express themselves most openly with their family members.
However, many of us misunderstand the concept of “being true to oneself.” In reality, “being true” does not justify displaying impolite behavior or expressing every thought and feeling without considering the impact on one’s family.
Thus, it is essential to distinguish between “being true to oneself” and living a meaningful life that contributes to building a loving home. Parents need to understand the importance of creating a happy and healthy family environment.
In some cases, parents should consider whether it is appropriate to express their emotions without filtering their words. They should also reflect on how their behavior might influence their children.
For example, in my family, my husband and I agreed not to use hurtful language or criticize each other’s behavior. We also avoid using words like “useless,” “talentless,” or “stupid” when referring to one another.
Therefore, to create a positive family environment and raise well-behaved and healthy children, parents must pay serious attention to their choice of words and how they treat each other.
If parents find themselves unconsciously repeating behaviors learned from their own families (extended families), they should be willing to adjust, change, apologize, or find a method that suits their small family best.
Returning to the story of the mother with the 13-year-old daughter, after careful consideration, the mother candidly expressed her disagreement with how other family members treated her.
She proposed creating a family contract stipulating that no one should speak ill of each other, with specific consequences for violations. Eventually, the father and daughter agreed to this approach and committed to improving their behavior.
While the idea of a family contract may seem unusual at first, from a specialist’s perspective, it is a commendable step. The mother courageously expressed her dissatisfaction and asserted her right to be respected. The contract serves as a pledge to modify inappropriate behaviors and foster a more positive family dynamic.
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