The Book of Rites for Women is a set of guidelines that, when followed, are said to help shape girls into virtuous wives, mothers, and kind individuals.
I was amazed to discover that, centuries ago, such detailed and systematic education existed for young girls in ancient China.
If modern girls were to follow the principles outlined in this classic text, they would develop the gentle, mild, and kind characteristics that are so valued in traditional Chinese culture, and become good women and mothers themselves.
Here are some of the key tenets of the Book of Rites for Women regarding the upbringing of girls:
Self-Requirements
The text emphasizes the importance of an early start to the day, with girls encouraged to wake up early, leave their rooms, boil water, and prepare tea for their parents, greeting them respectfully. Personal hygiene is also a priority, with girls expected to maintain clean and tidy appearances, learning sewing skills, and avoiding laziness.
In terms of behavior, the Book of Rites for Women advises girls to accept their parents’ scolding without argument and to listen to their elders’ teachings. It encourages a frugal and gentle approach to life, advising girls to dress simply but neatly and to be careful with fire and lighting.
Girls are also instructed to be mindful of their actions and movements, acting with caution and grace: “When standing or sitting, one should always be upright and gentle in their movements.” This applies whether they are at home with their parents or married, emphasizing the importance of poise and calmness in all situations.
For girls with extroverted personalities who enjoy a lively atmosphere, the text offers a reminder to maintain self-control: “Ten out of ten mistakes are made due to impulsiveness and confusion.” Quickness should not equate to hasty or careless actions, nor does it mean speaking loudly or rudely.
Instead, girls are encouraged to be thoughtful and measured in their speech and actions, acting with calmness and consideration in their daily lives.
Ancient guidelines for raising virtuous and gentle daughters. (Illustration)
Relations with Husband
When it comes to marital relations, the Book of Rites for Women offers this advice: “Treat each other with respect, like guests, and help each other like friends. Avoid jesting and teasing, which can bring shame to a couple.”
Husbands and wives are instructed to hold each other in high regard, treating one another with the same respect they would offer a guest. They are also encouraged to be each other’s accomplices, offering sincere support like true friends. Even in the throes of passion, couples are advised to avoid casual or loose behavior that might bring embarrassment.
As the years go by and the initial passion fades, couples may find themselves focusing more on practical matters. The text emphasizes the importance of mutual understanding and patience during these times, advising couples to “hold on to the word ‘endurance.'” By doing so, they can maintain their dignity and harmony in their relationship.
Additionally, the Book of Rites for Women warns against insincerity within a marriage: “Husbands and wives should be of one heart and one mind. If they are not sincere with each other, their outward harmony may conceal inner distance and divergent intentions, which can harm the family and themselves.”
Relations with Children
Parents, especially mothers, are advised to lead by example, cultivating their own virtues to serve as role models for their children. Every word and action of parents can significantly influence their children’s character development, so mothers, in particular, are encouraged to embody the values of traditional Chinese womanhood.
When conflicts arise between their children and others, parents are instructed to first teach their children humility and respect: “When your child has a conflict with another, teach your child first. Regardless of who is right or wrong, teach them to be humble and respectful.”
The text also emphasizes the importance of a mother’s dedication to her children’s future: “As a mother, you must devote your heart and never neglect their upbringing. No matter how difficult life may be, ensure your children receive an education and strive to raise them to be good people, continuing the legacy of your ancestors.”
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