Food & Receipts

Mothers-in-law and grandmother-in-law: Insights into Handling Difficult Family Relationships

Hearing my mother-in-law say that my parents will come to live with us for a few months, I suddenly felt anxious.

15 February, 2024

173

I am the third child in a family of 3 siblings. The youngest sister is also married. We live far away, and my eldest sibling and their spouse live with our parents-in-law. I always believe that parents-in-law are not biological parents, so we shouldn’t have expectations or set limits. I don’t like it when someone refers to parents-in-law as biological parents, it’s difficult. If I make a mistake with my biological parents, I can forget about it the next day, but if I make a mistake with my parents-in-law, every time we have a conflict, they will bring up the past and make assumptions. I am the same, if my biological parents scold me, I can forget about it, but if my parents-in-law say something hurtful, I will always remember it and think “If they said it, it must have meaning from the deep down, that’s why they uttered those words” and then “Making a mistake often means that it comes from the depths of consciousness”. It’s exhausting! That’s why I prefer clarity from the beginning!

The eldest sibling lives with our parents, but they receive support from our parents instead of being a support for them. The eldest sibling had a leg injury and had to move from a field position to an office one, so their income is not high. The sister-in-law works as a factory worker. So our parents-in-law take care of their children. I realized that since I live far away, I can only show love and visit each other when it’s convenient, without relying on my parents-in-law for anything.

I also understand that if the eldest sibling lives with our parents, they will be more taken care of. Moreover, my husband is having a harder time than my brother-in-law, so our parents-in-law pay more attention to him, and it’s fine with me. Moreover, when my parents are sick, I’m not the one taking care of them.

But things are not as simple as that. My mother-in-law often goes for health check-ups, but she always wants to go to high-level hospitals. So, whenever it’s said that my husband is not feeling well, my husband and I have to go and pick them up. When my mother-in-law is sick, we have to take time off to take care of them, while my older sibling and their spouse still go to work as usual. I started to feel unfairness here.

Until my parents talked about dividing the land and assets. Honestly, at first, I didn’t think about my husband’s family’s assets, even though I’m not wealthy. But I thought simply that when I get married, I will go to their house empty-handed, whatever they give is what I will receive, because that’s their right. Surprisingly, my parents-in-law openly and clearly talked about dividing the two plots of land equally. However, the plot of land that my husband and I currently don’t use has a higher value, so they said that my brother should compensate a little money for it. My brother and sister-in-law said to use that money for my parents-in-law’s retirement savings. That also touched me. Since we already had the money, my sister-in-law immediately transferred it for my parents-in-law’s savings account. But two months later, I found out that my parents-in-law used that money to open a savings account for their granddaughter, who was their eldest child’s daughter, because she had just won the national excellent student award. I was a little disappointed because my child had also achieved excellent student status, but they only congratulated us without giving anything. I thought, well, my child is younger and doesn’t need money yet, while my brother’s child is about to go to university and will need it more, and my brother and sister-in-law have lower income than me.

The matter quickly passed. Until one day, I was surprised when I received news that my parents-in-law wanted to come and live with my husband and me for a while. What’s going on? They have a house and a son and daughter-in-law in the countryside, so why would they come and live with us? The city is even more congested and expensive. Moreover, if my parents-in-law go there, will it influence my older sibling and their spouse? I talked to my sister-in-law to see what she thought, and she said, “Parents have been sad living in the countryside all their lives, and now that their grandkids are grown and can go by themselves, without the need for pick-up and drop-off, my parents want to experience city life with my uncle for a while.”

My mother told me, “Since the day you and your husband got married and lived with us, we also wanted to give you and your husband some time alone.” I started to feel the pressure when suddenly my parents-in-law came to live with us. Life will be disrupted from rearranging the house, to daily activities, then my mother and my mother-in-law paying attention to each other, then my parents-in-law waking up early…

I returned home to think and complain about this strange idea of my parents-in-law. Just when my mother was combing my grandmother’s hair. My grandmother, aged 80, has many mixed-up behaviors, she eats and then wipes her mouth with her hand and then directly wipes my mother’s mouth. However, they still sit there like that. My parents-in-law are not the eldest child. But my grandmother has been living with us since I was a child. She said she doesn’t like staying at my eldest aunt’s house, and that’s it. My mother said, “Mother is also under a lot of pressure, but mother chose to be sincere and straightforward with grandma, keeping the role of a child. Whatever you can do, you say you can do, whatever you can’t do, that’s fine. As a child, you shouldn’t feel superior, whether it’s me, my older sister, or my younger sister. If we can do something, we will be blessed, that’s it. If I don’t want to stay with my parents-in-law, my sister-in-law won’t either. They were born before me, but they also had their parents like me. It’s difficult, but not complaining will make it easier.”

I understood why my grandmother liked staying at my house. And I also understood that my parents-in-law will come and live with us for a few months ahead, and they may never go back again. And for years, my brother and sister-in-law have lived with my parents-in-law, and that’s why I can’t stay with them for a few months. It turns out I have always thought that I am better than my parents-in-law, helping them less than my older sibling, my older sibling has received more things from my parents-in-law than us. I didn’t know that my older sibling had more pressure than me and my husband. I immediately called my husband to find someone to fix a little so that my parents-in-law can come and prepare to live with us.