While many fathers love and care for their children, some may unintentionally employ harmful parenting methods that hinder their child’s development. The following are four statements commonly made by such fathers, which can limit their child’s potential:
Excessive Comparison: “When I was your age, I had it much harder. Stop complaining!”
This scenario is familiar to many. Fathers often use their past struggles to invalidate their children’s current emotions, saying things like, “I had it much harder when I was your age. Stop complaining!” However, such comparisons can be emotionally damaging and create a barrier between parents and their children.
When parents use their own experiences to minimize their children’s struggles, it can make the children feel that their emotions are not valid. This can lead to children suppressing their thoughts and true feelings. They may believe that expressing their emotions is not acceptable and develop a tendency to be reluctant in sharing their feelings.
Children need to know that their emotions are valid and important, regardless of whether their parents have gone through similar experiences. Help them understand that facing challenges is a normal part of life and that it’s valuable to talk about them.
Instead of invalidating their children’s feelings, parents can listen and empathize. A simple question like, “How do you feel about this?” can open up a deeper conversation, making the child feel understood and accepted.
Avoiding Responsibility: “I’m busy, ask your mother.”
The absence of a father figure in a child’s life can have significant impacts on their development. A long-term study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that children from families with less involved fathers were more likely to face social, emotional, and behavioral difficulties.
Specifically, boys may struggle with developing a healthy sense of gender identity and behavioral patterns due to a lack of effective guidance from their fathers.
A 2023 survey by the China Youth Research Center also revealed that in 80% of families with teenagers experiencing psychological issues, the main cause was attributed to the lack of paternal involvement in their upbringing.
When a father is absent, it means the child is exposed to a single method of education and value system, which can be detrimental to their healthy development.
Material Compensation for Emotional Absence: “We have money; I’ll make it up to you.”
Mr. Truong (Sichuan, China) is a successful businessman, but his relationship with his 17-year-old daughter is strained. Whenever she wants to confide in him, he uses work as an excuse to avoid responsibility. He then tries to make amends by giving her expensive gifts on her birthday or when she gets good grades.
“I’ve provided her with the best living conditions and the most expensive school. Isn’t that enough?” Mr. Truong asks the psychologist in confusion. “Why does she keep saying I don’t understand her?”
Using material wealth to substitute for emotional connection is a common issue among modern fathers. Many believe that providing financial stability fulfills their paternal duty, failing to realize that what their children truly need is a meaningful relationship and emotional support.
Research has shown that children who primarily receive material satisfaction instead of emotional fulfillment are more likely to develop issues such as selfishness and a lack of empathy as they grow up. This can hinder their social development and career choices.
Unintentionally Hindering Self-Reliance: “Don’t touch it; let me do it.”
On a weekend, Mr. Tran and his 8-year-old son, Xiao Hao, were playing in the flower garden. Xiao Hao was learning to tie his shoelaces, and although he was clumsy, he was trying hard. However, after observing for a while, Mr. Tran lost patience, took the shoe away, and said, “You’re too slow! Let me do it for you.”
A common mistake made by many fathers is doing everything for their children, inadvertently taking away their opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them.
According to the theory of developmental psychology by American educational psychologist Carol Dweck, the sense of accomplishment that children gain from overcoming challenges is an important foundation for building self-confidence and perseverance. When parents do everything for their children, they are actually hindering their children’s opportunity to develop independence.
What’s more concerning is that this over-involvement is often accompanied by impatience and perfectionism, leading to children feeling confused and believing that they are incapable. Over time, they may lose their courage to try new things and become dependent and passive.
