When faced with complaints, the brain typically has three responses: attack, escape, or defend. Similarly, when parents blame their children, they often react by arguing (attacking), looking away and losing focus (escaping), or making excuses (defending).
However, regardless of the child’s reaction, they are essentially tuning out what the parent is saying. In other words, no matter how hard the parent tries to persuade the child, it is ineffective and can even lead to negative impacts and conflicts.
So, when a child argues, parents can communicate positively by incorporating four elements: observation, feelings, needs, and state.
Combining these four elements forms four crucial sentences that help children regulate their emotions, learn to listen, and willingly obey.
“I noticed…”
For instance, when a child is watching TV, a parent might get angry and say, “You’re always watching TV” or “All you do is watch TV and never do your homework.”
Words like “always” and “every time” are too general and essentially contain subjective comments. When a child hears these words, they know that the parent is unhappy and complaining about them.
As a result, the child will try to think of reasons why they are not watching TV, then bring up examples to refute the parent and defend themselves. This leads to an unnecessary argument where the child feels the need to defend themselves and their actions instead of truly listening and understanding the parent’s concerns.
So, generally, such general and critical words are not effective with children.
Instead, parents should focus on making an observation.
For example, describe what the parent has observed: “I noticed you watched ten episodes in a row.”
This is a fact that occurred, it is neutral and unbiased, and the child will accept and acknowledge such statements.
This approach helps the child feel safer and opens the opportunity for positive dialogue. When the child feels they are not being criticized, it is easier to discuss why they are watching so much TV and work together with the parent to find reasonable solutions. Parents can further ask, “What do you think about your TV watching habits?” or “How can we ensure you have time for both studying and entertainment?”
“I feel…”
How does the parent feel when the child watches so many episodes in a row? Scared, worried, angry, or sad?
The parent can say, “I feel a bit worried that you might not be able to finish your homework.” This expression of feeling shows concern and opens up an opportunity for the child to understand the parent’s emotions.
Children are more likely to accept the parent’s expression of their feelings than being blamed with critical words like “Why are you so lazy, inconsiderate, and ignorant?” Such criticism often makes children feel attacked, and they may react defensively or refuse to listen. On the other hand, when the parent shares their personal feelings, the child feels a connection and is more likely to open up.
Moreover, the child will reflect on their own behavior and the responsibilities they bear based on the parent’s feelings, which can stimulate self-awareness and a sense of responsibility in the child.
After sharing their feelings, the parent can ask the child: “What do you think about this? Is there a way for you to watch TV and still get your homework done?” This encourages the child to think and come up with solutions while also making them feel they have control over their life.
“I feel this way because…”
Next, explain why the parent feels this way and what their needs are.
The parent can say, “I’m worried that when you rush through your homework, you might not be careful and won’t be able to fully grasp the knowledge in the textbooks. I’d like you to finish your studies first and then relax and have fun.”
A psychologist advises that parents be honest about why they feel a certain way and express their needs. Let the child truly understand through words that the parent is doing this for the child’s benefit, instead of shouting and saying, “I’m doing this for your own good.”
This way, the child will be more receptive and willing to make changes.
“Can you do this for me?”
Finally, make a suggestion: “Are you willing to limit your TV time each day and finish your homework first?”
With these four steps of communication, the child will be able to view their behavior more rationally and objectively and will be more receptive to listening.
Children are usually more accepting of reasonable and appropriate requests from their parents. Because this choice is not decided by the parent, but rather suggested, and the child agrees to try after thinking it through.
Children often do better with their own choices and commitments because they come from within, not from external coercion.
If parents regularly use this goodwill communication method and discuss things with their children, it will continuously stimulate their internal motivation, making them more assertive and willing to do something from the bottom of their hearts.
Expert Du Minh Hong once said that family education should focus on three points: character education, mood, and encouragement. “When children feel good, they will do better.”
Blame makes people retreat, while encouragement helps them move forward.
Parents should encourage children to do the right thing and set appropriate rules. Once the rules are set, parents should not change them arbitrarily. Ignore the “arguments,” find the child’s strengths and virtues, and praise and encourage them to progress every day.
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Every child possesses unique talents and qualities, waiting to be unleashed and shine. Early recognition of these positive signs enables parents to guide and support their children in developing their full potential.
Nurture, Not Berate: 3 Ways to Open Up a Dialogue With Your Child.
Parents, it’s time to embrace a new approach. Instead of verbal complaints, choose to trust, respect, and give your children the freedom to grow and flourish.
“The Four Types of Families that Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children”
A happy family is the cornerstone of a child’s holistic development, fostering their personality, psychological well-being, and EQ. With a nurturing home environment, children flourish and grow into well-rounded individuals with a strong emotional intelligence foundation. This safe and loving space enables them to explore their potential, shape their character, and navigate the world with confidence.
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Setting some ground rules can make the Tet holiday more enjoyable and less stressful for parents.
The Ancient Art of Parenting: Four Principles to Live By
1. “Family-Centred Education”: Nurturing begins at home.
2. “No Spoiling”: Teaching self-reliance and resilience.
3. “Frugality and Diligence”: Values of hard work and savings.
4. “…And More”: Uncovering the ancient secrets to wise parenting.
2. “No Spoiling”: Teaching self-reliance and resilience.
3. “Frugality and Diligence”: Values of hard work and savings.
4. “…And More”: Uncovering the ancient secrets to wise parenting.
In the past, education was deemed a parent’s foremost responsibility. The old adage goes, “Raising a child without education is a disservice not only to oneself but also to others and, more importantly, to the nation.”
