Parental bad-mouthing of their spouse in front of their children can have profound negative effects on their psychological and emotional development. It also affects how children perceive family relationships and diminishes their trust in their parents’ love for each other.
Growing up in a conflict-ridden family can make children feel insecure and unloved, potentially leaving long-lasting psychological scars.
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Therefore, parental bad-mouthing of their spouse not only affects their relationship but also has profound implications for their children’s psychological and emotional development later in life.
We all know that a positive family environment, where respect and love are demonstrated, is crucial for the development and formation of children’s personalities.
On this issue, psychologist Nguyen Ngoc Vui provides deeper insights, helping parents find appropriate ways to interact based on love and respect, while minimizing negative impacts on their children.
Why do parents in some families often speak ill of each other? Is this a sign of an unhappy family?
In reality, there are many families where parents speak ill of each other. However, there is currently no basis for concluding that this is a sign of an unhappy family, as we need to consider many aspects, including cultural nuances, gestures, and expressions of love within the family.
In some cases, while parents may express negative words, they also convey humorous underlying messages about each other. Nonetheless, this could indicate a lack of mutual respect and politeness.
A person who knows how to respect and be polite will typically look for the good in others and offer encouragement and praise. Instead of seeking out flaws to ridicule or criticize.
How might children react when they hear their parents speaking ill of each other? And what potential long-term effects could this have on their behavior?
I once had a client who struggled with her 13-year-old daughter’s rebellious and unruly behavior. The daughter often called her mother “childish” and “weak.” I was surprised to hear this story.
After a heart-to-heart conversation, the girl confided that she had picked up this habit from her father at a young age. She explained that whenever she saw her mother crying, her father would mock her with those same words. Unknowingly, this influenced the girl to believe that she was doing something good by imitating her father.
Consequently, this inadvertently set a bad example for the child, who may emulate such behavior. Even if the child doesn’t imitate it, there’s still a risk of confusion about their parents’ behavior, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth and respect for family members.
If children witness their parents speaking ill of each other, might they develop a negative view of love and marriage? Could this influence their choice of spouse in the future?
This is entirely possible, as children tend to learn by observing their parents’ actions and words, which then shape their perceptions of love and marriage.
Currently, there are no statistics or studies proving that witnessing parental bad-mouthing will directly impact children’s choice of spouse. However, attachment theory in love addresses this issue.
When children experience insecure or anxious attachment, avoidance, or a lack of respect and love within the family, they tend to seek similar relationships later in life.
In some exceptional cases, individuals only feel satisfied or comfortable when criticized or mistreated by others, indicating that their childhood was likely filled with unpleasant experiences and an unhealthy family environment.
Can you suggest some strategies to help parents improve their communication and conflict resolution skills, thereby creating a positive and supportive family environment for their children?
In Vietnamese culture, it is believed that when we step outside, we need to maintain social relationships, so when we return home, we can be our true selves and feel most comfortable. As a result, we tend to express ourselves most openly with our families.
However, many of us misunderstand the concept of “being true to ourselves.” In reality, “being true” doesn’t justify rude behavior or mean we should express all our thoughts and words without considering the feelings of our loved ones.
Thus, it’s essential to distinguish between “being true” and living a meaningful life that nurtures and builds a happy home. Parents need to understand the importance of creating a loving and healthy family environment.
In some cases, parents should consider whether it’s appropriate to express their emotions without filtering their words. They should also reflect on how their behavior affects their children.
For example, in my family, my husband and I agreed not to use hurtful words or criticize each other’s behavior. We avoid using terms like “useless,” “talentless,” or “stupid” when referring to one another.
Therefore, to build a positive family environment where children can thrive emotionally and physically, parents must pay serious attention to their choice of words and how they treat each other.
If parents find themselves unconsciously repeating behaviors learned from their own families (extended families), they should be willing to adjust, change, apologize, or find a method that suits their small family best.
Returning to the story of the mother with the 13-year-old daughter, after careful consideration, the mother openly expressed her disagreement with how other family members treated her.
She proposed creating a family contract, stating that no one should speak ill of each other, with specific consequences for violations. Eventually, the father and daughter agreed to this approach and committed to improving their behavior.
Initially, the idea of a family contract may seem strange, but from a specialist’s perspective, it’s a positive step. The mother courageously expressed her dissatisfaction and asserted her right to be respected. The contract serves as a pledge to modify inappropriate behaviors and foster a more positive family dynamic.
