The purpose of praise is to encourage children to be diligent, but manipulative praise can unintentionally take away their intrinsic motivation. Statements like, “You’re so good for going to bed early,” “It’s amazing that you can learn so many things at once!” or “You’re so smart; nothing can stop you,” may make a child happy initially.
According to a psychologist, it’s challenging to build a trusting relationship if we say nice things to achieve a particular purpose or exchange benefits. However, many parents may unintentionally praise their children to get them to follow their wishes.
It’s easy to praise someone, and even if we don’t mean it, we can still express it effortlessly. However, praising with hidden motives can leave subtle psychological wounds in a child’s mind.
When praise becomes commonplace, children may feel dissatisfied if they don’t receive it. This is a natural reaction, similar to how we might feel shocked, angry, and confused if our boss suddenly announced that we wouldn’t be getting paid this month.
If parents often praise based on outcomes, such as, “You’re a good kid for brushing your teeth before bed,” “Congratulations on your excellent grade,” “You didn’t arrive late today, well done,” or “You got the highest score in the exam; you’re truly my child,” the child may struggle to recognize their self-worth, think independently, or have the courage to embrace challenges.
So, how can we praise children in a way that truly benefits them, and how can we gauge this delicate balance? Experts suggest the following three approaches for parents to consider:
Show Empathy When Praising
The deepest form of parental love is recognizing and valuing a child for who they truly are. This goes beyond merely acknowledging their achievements or grades and extends to understanding and accepting every aspect of their personality and emotions.
Children are unique individuals with their dreams, fears, and emotions. What they need is trust, acceptance, and respect, rather than labels for their behavior or outcomes.
As children grow, they face various challenges and pressures. When they excel in a sport, ace a test, or overcome a hurdle, parents should first focus on their child’s emotions. Therefore, when praising, emphasize empathy.
Show Empathy When Praising
For instance, if your child overcomes their fear and learns to walk on a balance beam, you could say, “You were so brave, and you did it all by yourself.” This statement highlights their courage and the effort they put in.
In another scenario, if your child plays a sport and doesn’t achieve the best result, you could say, “You did so much better this time, and I can see how happy you are. You’ve been practicing, and it will pay off.” These words acknowledge their effort and encourage them to keep trying.
Compared to generic praise, showing empathy, understanding their emotions, and recognizing their progress can be far more encouraging.
Keep Praise Mild and Moderate
In reality, too much praise can have the opposite effect. When children succeed, most parents are quick to acknowledge their achievements. However, when they fall short, few parents empathize with their emotions. This can lead to children feeling pressured and anxious about maintaining high performance.
Statements like, “My child is amazing for getting a perfect score,” may initially make them proud, but it also creates psychological pressure. They might think, “My parents are happy because I did well, but if I don’t do well, they won’t be happy.” This anxiety can make them feel constrained and reluctant to explore new things for fear of disappointing their parents.
Therefore, when praising, it’s essential to control the intensity. Praise should be reasonable and sincere. Stick to the truth, evaluate the process, and acknowledge their efforts.
Keep Praise Mild and Moderate
For example, instead of saying, “You got a 100 on the test,” try, “I’m so proud of you! I’ve noticed how hard you’ve been studying, and your dedication has paid off.” This approach encourages children to recognize that effort and process are more important than the final outcome.
Parents should convey the message that “whether things go well or poorly, we still accept you for who you are.” When a child internalizes this message, they will develop self-confidence and the ability to pick themselves up after setbacks.
Look for Silver Linings When Children Fall Short
When children succeed, they need recognition. But when they fail, they also need support and affirmation from their parents to find themselves safely. In difficult moments, when children don’t do well or make mistakes, they experience various emotions, including regret, anger, worry, and guilt.
Therefore, in these situations, parents need to find silver linings in challenging circumstances. Analyze the reasons for the undesirable outcome (or suggest areas for improvement) and, ultimately, encourage them.
For instance, consider a story about a three-year-old girl who danced on stage for the second time. She was shy and couldn’t perform many moves. On the way home, she said to her mother, “Mom, my teacher said that only those who can express themselves openly are excellent. Am I not good enough?” This statement reveals the girl’s insecurity and her need for affirmation from her mother.
Look for Silver Linings When Children Fall Short
The mother responded with compassion and encouragement: “I remember the first time you danced on stage; you didn’t move much and only did a few moves. This time, you took the initiative to perform more moves and persevered. I can see that you’re gradually overcoming your challenges. I believe you will continue to improve.” These words of encouragement affirmed her efforts, making her feel safe and loved, regardless of the outcome.
When love flows abundantly, a child’s inner strength grows. Affirmation and encouragement from parents will inspire children to face challenges head-on without fear of failure.
So, in daily life, look for the positive changes in your child. Acknowledge the small but precious things, from their willingness to try new things to their efforts to improve.
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