There is a developmental reason behind why children argue and learning to “translate” their emotional language and using four key phrases can turn confrontation into cooperation.
Children arguing doesn’t mean they’re rebellious; parents should understand their child’s “cry for help”
Psychological research indicates that backtalk is a sign of emerging self-awareness. Children start to want to express their opinions and fight for autonomy, but due to their lack of emotional regulation skills, their expression can sometimes be inappropriate.
There are 3 truths about backtalk.
Desire to be recognized: Children use strong language to convey “I have ideas” and “I need to be respected.”
Inability to control emotions, seeking help: When the amygdala is overwhelmed by emotions, children cannot communicate rationally.
Imitation and exploration: Children test parental reactions by responding and seeking equal dialogue.
2 different parental reactions
– Using power to suppress: “I’m your mother, you have to listen to me!” (This destroys trust and incites rebellion)
– High EQ response: “Your opinion is important, but we can discuss this in a better way.” (Builds a communication bridge)
4 magical conversations that turn “war” into growth opportunities
Image source: Pinterest.
Situation 1: The child slams the door and yells, “I don’t want you to control me!”
Common reaction: “Is that how you talk to adults?”
High EQ parental response: “You look sad/angry right now, do you want to talk to me?”
Psychological logic: Helping children name their emotions can quickly calm the “amygdala storm” in the brain. For example: “Did you slam the door because your homework was too difficult or because you felt misunderstood?” When children feel understood, they will shift from “confrontation mode” to “confession mode.”
Situation 2: The child throws a pen while doing homework and says, “I’m so stupid!”
Common reaction: “You can’t even do something this simple, and you still get angry?”
High EQ parental response: “Let’s take a 10-minute break, and then we can find another way!”
The prefrontal cortex goes on strike when emotionally triggered, and forcing rationality will only make things worse. Suggest that your child listens to music to relax for a while.
Situation 3: Child yells, “I hate you, Dad!”
Common reaction: “I regret raising you”
High EQ parental response: “Your words make me sad, but I still love you”
Gently set boundaries: “When you’re ready, we can talk about what happened.” This shows that you accept their emotions and guide them to reflect on their words and actions.
Situation 4: Child complains, “Why do I have to go to bed early?”
Common reaction: “I’m the one who decides, and if you argue, I’ll take away your toys”
High EQ parental response: “We agreed to go to bed at 10 pm; if you don’t go to bed early, you won’t be able to get up tomorrow”
Use questions to break the deadlock: “Do you want to go to bed now or listen to two stories before bed?” Or empowering questions: “How can you get a comfortable rest without being late for basketball tomorrow morning?” This turns confrontation into cooperation and nurtures your child’s problem-solving skills.
Accept their emotions and guide them to reflect on their words and actions.
There are 3 daily communication skills parents should use to avoid children arguing
– Use test questions instead of commands: Instead of saying, “Brush your teeth now!” try, “Do you want to use strawberry or grape toothpaste?” (This activates their autonomy)
– Use humor to reduce tension: When your child responds with, “Who are you to boss me around?” you can reply with a smile, “Because I’m your mother, and I’m known as the ‘boss of love’!”
– Regularly hold family complaint meetings: Set aside 20 minutes each week for the family to take turns expressing their dissatisfaction (Rule: No accusations, only talk about feelings). When children find a way to vent their emotions, they will naturally reduce arguing.
Use humor to reduce tension.
For parents: Arguing children need a loving “translator”
Educator Ly My Kim once said, “A child’s temperament is nurtured by their parents.” When children become “little hedgehogs,” it means they trust and are willing to show their vulnerabilities to their parents.
– Before the age of 7, allow your children to make mistakes, explore, and use games to resolve conflicts (e.g., “The cars need to go to bed and sleep. Can you put them back in the box?”)
– For teenagers: Let go of the obsession with parental authority and frequently use “What do you think?” instead of “You must…”.
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