While it can be concerning, it’s important to understand that a child’s defiance is a necessary part of their development and a common phenomenon. Parents need not worry but should focus on handling this behavior appropriately.
This behavior can make parents feel like they’ve lost control, impacting their parenting effectiveness. If left unaddressed, it could significantly affect the child’s future development.
Why do children argue and defy? It’s mainly due to these reasons:
Parental Influence
When children argue or defy, it often has a lot to do with the parents’ behavior. For instance, parents might be too busy with work and fail to realize the importance of communication and involvement in their child’s life. This can lead to the child developing a tendency to keep things to themselves.
In such a scenario, if parents try to intervene in their decisions, habits, or behaviors, it may lead to dissatisfaction and arguments.
In other words, a lack of time investment and emotional connection can result in a weak relationship, causing children to not value their parents’ opinions and naturally becoming less obedient.
Additionally, parental neglect, disrespect, or indifference can stimulate defiant behavior in children.
A Normal Stage in Development at Certain Ages
Children tend to become more argumentative at specific developmental stages. For example, when they form a new sense of self, which typically happens around ages two or three, they may start to talk back.
They also tend to defy more when they enter the early years of elementary school, around ages six or seven. This is because they’ve mastered many personal skills at this stage and feel more “capable.”
As children approach puberty, around age twelve, they are more likely to defy authority.
This is because their bodies are going through changes, their academic abilities reach new heights, and their understanding of society and the world deepens, leading to a desire for self-expression.
In other words, defiance occurs during a stage of “rebellion” in their development.
Psychological Factors
If a child is facing psychological issues, they may become more irritable and defiant. These problems can stem from various causes, including family stress, peer pressure, or even changes in their living environment.
When children don’t know how to express their emotions or cope with negative feelings, they often react by getting angry or arguing.
Additionally, persistent health issues or certain stimuli can also trigger such behavior.
For instance, if a child is dealing with an illness or symptoms like headaches, fatigue, or discomfort, they may become more irritable and prone to arguing.
When children start to talk back, parents should learn to say these four things more often:
A four-step process: State the fact – Talk about emotions – Express your opinion – Negotiate.
State the Fact: “Mom thinks your hair is dirty.”
Many parents tend to scold their children directly, making it harder for the child to listen. Instead, try stating the fact and letting the child evaluate whether it’s good or bad and decide what to do.
For example, if your child’s hair is dirty, but they refuse to wash it, say something like, “Mom notices your hair is dirty. Let’s wash it together this afternoon!” By recognizing the issue themselves, children are less likely to argue.
Talk about Emotions: “Your dirty hair makes others uncomfortable.”
When addressing your child’s concerns, express your emotions and help them understand how their actions affect others.
For instance, if they still refuse to wash their hair after stating the fact, you could say, “Your dirty hair makes others uncomfortable.” This way, they realize that being dirty impacts their interactions.
Express Your Opinion: “Mom thinks your hair will be cleaner and smell nicer after washing.”
After that, you can offer your opinion and hope that they will listen. However, be careful to phrase it as an “opinion,” such as “Mom thinks your hair will be cleaner after washing” instead of “You should wash your hair now.”
The first sentence is merely an opinion, and the child has the choice to listen or not. In contrast, the second sentence is a “command” that lacks respect and invites defiance.
Use Negotiation Language: “If you wash your hair now, Mom will give you 10 extra minutes to play with your toys. What do you think?”
When you want your child to do something, use “negotiation” language instead of forcing them. When children feel respected and considered, they are more likely to listen and defy less.
Expert advice: When your child argues, don’t rush to scold them. Stay calm, try to understand why they are defying, and use appropriate communication methods to reduce the likelihood of negative personality development.
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