There are many reasons why children are shy. Let’s explore the main reasons:
1. Influence of parents
Parents are the first role models for children. If parents show signs of insecurity, introversion, and poor communication skills, children will naturally develop shyness and poor social skills.
2. Family relationships
When children do not receive sufficient attention from their families, they lack a stable foundation and a safe place to share negative emotions. They also lack companionship to overcome fears and have their questions answered.
Children who lack family care are like houses without foundations, they easily become timid and cautious about everything around them.
3. Excessive pampering and sheltering from parents
In life and education, parents take care of every aspect for the child. Due to being overly protected within the family, children have no opportunity to become independent. This makes them dependent and lacking in life experience. They become shy and afraid of everything, lacking confidence without the guidance of an adult.
4. Limited living environment, lack of regular contact with the community
It is a fact that many parents have abused information technology in their children’s education. This limits their interaction with the outside world.
When they are only nurtured and exposed to people in their families, and have little contact with friends around them, children do not learn how to make friends or handle situations, and always feel fearful when taken out of their familiar environment – their home.
5. Children are often teased, bullied, or criticized
Sometimes adults tease young children just for fun, but in reality, it greatly affects the psychological development of the child. Being teased and bullied frequently makes children feel inadequate, lacking in confidence, and shy.
Children who are often scolded, criticized, or even mocked will feel like they are always failing, insecure, and lose enthusiasm in learning and in life.
On the contrary, children who are highly valued by others will naturally feel happy, want to assert themselves more, and feel proud and confident. Therefore, when a child is full of confidence and wants to show themselves in front of their parents, parents should give them the best praises and encouragement.
For example, if a child wants to pour a glass of water for their mother, but they are not skilled enough to pour it without spilling it. If the parents have a positive mindset, they will praise the child by saying, “My child has grown up, you know how to pour water for me now. Next time, hold the glass from the bottom, and you will pour it more skillfully without spilling it.” But many parents may hinder them immediately with phrases like, “Never mind! You spilled it again, didn’t you?!…”. Such unsatisfying words on one hand make the child not know what to do correctly. On the other hand, it makes the child learn how to avoid criticism by not doing anything or not participating.
6. Children are “expected” too much beyond their capabilities
Currently, parents have placed too many expectations on their children, unintentionally creating immense pressure for both the child and themselves. This leads to irritability, scolding, and even hitting the child when the child does not meet the parents’ expectations. Faced with negative attitudes from parents, children always have to live in worry, fear of making mistakes, lacking initiative, and enthusiasm in every activity.
Many parents hesitate to show love to their children in front of strangers, always deliberately criticizing their own children with the aim of making them feel the need to make an effort. However, this approach is not quite right. The child may feel inferior when they are not as good as others, and their parents are seemingly not satisfied with them.
7. Children live in a strict family environment, often subjected to heavy punishment
Using corporal punishment or other severe punishments in the hope that the child will behave well and obey is an outdated educational approach that is still easily encountered in many families. Using physical punishment demonstrates a lack of respect for the child’s opinion, body, and affects the child’s self-esteem.
When the child experiences a lack of respect like this within their own family, how can they protect themselves from physical abuse or mental abuse when they go outside into society? Corporal punishment will also make the child constantly worried, resulting in timidity and caution about everything around them. A child living in fear cannot be self-confident.
8. Children frequently witness conflicts between parents
Parents arguing or fighting in front of their children is extremely detrimental. It will leave a lasting mark on the child’s mind. This not only causes the child to resort to violence with friends when conflicts arise but may also cause the child to always feel anxious and sad because their loved ones cause harm to each other.
The family is the foundation for every aspect of a child’s development. When the family is not harmonious and conflicts constantly arise, the child also does not have the confidence and happiness needed to integrate into society.
9. Genetic factors
In addition to the above factors, genetic factors also contribute to the development of a child’s shyness. The child’s genetic structure has factors that cause shyness inherited from the father or mother.
In general, there are many reasons that lead to the development of shyness and timidity in children. Therefore, parents need to understand these reasons in order to overcome and help their children in a timely manner.
Parents can also create opportunities for their children to interact and make friends, practice social skills, and improve their communication skills, which will help them become more confident and proactive in the future.
Signs that help you recognize your child’s lack of confidence
Here are the signs that indicate your child is very lacking in confidence, you can refer to and compare with your child’s behaviors:
- The child avoids participating in challenging tasks, and even does not try to overcome them. This behavior may be because the child is afraid of failure or feels that no one will help them;
- The child gives up early after starting a game or task;
- The child cheats or lies when they feel they are about to lose;
- The child withdraws, pouts, or behaves foolishly. These behaviors make the child subject to teasing and being called foolish, causing the child to feel embarrassed and even hurt;
- The child tries to control others, bullies, or has difficulty hiding feelings of helplessness and disappointment;
- The child blames themselves or downplays the importance of events, prefers to blame others;
- The child’s grades drop or they lose interest in daily activities;
- The child withdraws or rarely interacts with friends;
- The child’s emotional changes such as sadness, crying, anger, tantrums, disappointment, silence;
- The child critiques or condemns themselves, for example: “I can never do anything well!”, “No one likes me!”, “I’m so ugly!”, “It’s all my fault!”…;
- The child has difficulty accepting compliments or criticism from others;
- The child magnifies others’ opinions of them;
- The child is strongly influenced by negative impacts, has an attitude and expression of indifference to school, and does not respect others;
- The child is always helping or never helping friends at home.
Methods to help children feel confident in life
In order to help children, parents need to reconsider how they care for and educate their children. Do not bring the stress from work or other places into your interactions with your child. Avoid mocking or criticizing the things the child does not do well. Do not compare the child to siblings or friends. In addition, parents can refer to the following methods:
1. Always try to recognize and meet your child’s needs
Shy children who are carefully nurtured still have the ability to become leaders in the future, while children who only receive normal care may still be shy and afraid throughout their lives. Help the child calm down and learn to control their own behavior. This will transform the child’s sensitivity from a disadvantage to a strength, as they will be more attuned to the needs of others and better negotiators.
2. Understand your child’s shyness and avoid making them feel ashamed of it
Acknowledge your child’s emotions, do not judge them negatively as it will only make them feel more insecure and shy. Instead, help them feel better about themselves. Through this, as they grow up, they will be able to empathize with others, develop their social skills, and connect better with people.
3. Teach your child through your own interactions with others
Children learn through observing adults. Show your child how you are friendly to others, how you help people around you, and how you always maintain a friendly attitude in social interactions.
4. Teach your child basic social skills
Children need to be taught how to make eye contact, shake hands, smile, and have proper conversations. Role-play and teach your child how to participate in a game, introduce your child to other children at a party, or arrange a playdate. Successful children who can join another group will have good observation skills and know how to integrate with others instead of feeling isolated.
5. Teach your child how to choose friends and places to go
You can refer to books that teach children how to make friends for more suggestions.
6. Coach your child on how to deal with teasing and bullying, encourage them to stand up for themselves
There are also many books that can help you with this.
7. Do not take your child for granted as a shy child.
Instead, understand your child’s feelings and show them ways to overcome their own fears. For example: “Sometimes you need time to feel comfortable in new situations. Do you remember the party you attended last week? At first, you held my hand the whole time, but in the end, you played happily with your friends. That’s how you learn to handle shyness and become more confident.”
8. Teach your child that a good friend is extremely valuable
Some parents worry that their child is not suitable for social gatherings. However, what matters most is that your child feels connected, like having a friend they can talk and play with during each break. Your child doesn’t have to have many friends, just a few true friends is enough.
9. Teach your child to be cautious of strangers
Conversely, let your child know that they always have their parents or teachers by their side, so they don’t have to be afraid of strangers anymore. Once your child is old enough to go out alone, exchange ways for them to protect themselves.
10. Help your child express themselves outwardly
When a child experiences something scary and does not feel safe, these initial emotions are often suppressed. However, naturally, the human body can always sense these fears and strives to release them, so the child always feels nervous. If the child encounters this situation, give them the opportunity to play slightly stimulating games, such as riding a roller coaster, of course under your protection. And when the child feels safe enough to outwardly express their fears through tears, accept them. In the long run, this will help the child naturally cope with their shyness and become more brave and flexible.
11. Teach your child to take care of themselves
In general, shy children are sociable at home, but outside, they may be shy and timid. This is because they do not feel safe and confident when they have to make decisions or act alone. Therefore, parents need to teach children to take care of themselves. Develop self-reliance in your child. You can even ask your child to do some simple household chores. When the child does well, praise and encourage them a lot.
12. Do not force your child to communicate when they are uncomfortable
When your child goes out to play or when strangers come to your house, do not force your child to greet or talk cheerfully. Let your child be natural. When your child observes carefully and sees that the guest does not have harmful intentions, they will naturally approach and interact. This is the way to teach the child to be proactive and engage in activities with friends.
13. Be actively intimate and help your child share and be open
Parents need to be actively intimate with their children and help them open up and share difficult feelings through words. Parents should delve deeper into the emotions or thoughts behind their words. For example, parents can ask why the child is afraid of being looked at by others or why they feel embarrassed. Maybe the child has beliefs like “I can never do anything right” or “Everyone will laugh at me, so I avoid it and feel embarrassed”.
Parents can explain to the child that making mistakes is normal. Even parents make mistakes but no one laughs at their parents. Then ask about the child’s strengths to make them feel more confident. For example, parents can say, “But we see that you tell stories very well at home. So we believe that you can tell those stories to your friends too” … That is the way to teach children new, more positive beliefs about themselves. From there, children will have new, more positive self-confidence, and actively participate in activities with friends.
14. Be a role model for your child to follow
Most children learn through the words and actions of their parents and adults. For children, the world is completely new and what they hear and see is what they will always imitate, regardless of whether it is right or wrong (because young children do not know how to differentiate right from wrong or good from bad). Therefore, if the child sees parents doing negative actions, they will follow suit, and vice versa, the child will do good things if the parents do good things.
15. Actively be close and help the child share and be open
Parents need to actively be close to their children and help them be open to sharing difficulties. Parents should understand deeper the emotions or thoughts behind the emotion. For instance, parents can ask why the child is afraid that people look at them or why they feel ashamed. The child may have beliefs as “Children can never do anything right” or “I’m not good enough”.
Parents can explain to the child that making mistakes is normal. Even parents make mistakes but no one laughs at parents. After that, ask your child about their strengths to help them feel more confident. For example, parents can say that “But we see that at home, you tell stories very well. So, we believe that you can also tell those stories to your friends” … That is how to teach children new, more positive beliefs about themselves. Through this, parents will help their children have new, more positive trust in themselves. From there, they are more active in participating in activities with their friends.
16. Parents must be a role model for their children to follow
Most young children learn from adults by observing them. Through this, they see how parents act friendly to other people, help them around or always keep a friendly attitude in every social interaction.
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