1. Empathize with your child, but don’t solve their problems for them
Acknowledge to your child that you’ve been through similar experiences, but try to listen fully and refrain from interrupting them.
“Parents tend to direct their children and take away their opportunities to make decisions appropriate for their age,” shares Emily Green, a child and family psychologist in Atlanta, USA. “We tell them what to do. We persuade them not to do something else. Children don’t get to practice their problem-solving skills and making decisions.”
On the other hand, Ms. Green suggests that “If we can remain silent and pause to let them think, they will grow up.”
“If we can remain silent and pause to let them think, they will grow up.” (Illustrative image)
2. Help your child listen to themselves
Ms. Green suggests using words like “seem” and “appear” to help children recognize their emotions. “It seems like you’re not sure about wanting that stuffed cat. It appears that you’re stuck.” Enhancing their awareness of their feelings helps them calm down and make choices more easily.
In the case of my daughter, Ms. Hurley says: “If you go back and think about everything that happened, your daughter actually knew what she wanted from the beginning. But you and your older daughter said, ‘It seems like there might be something nicersection better,’ and so she spent time thinking about that.”
Start by helping them realize what they want. You can say something like, “It seems like you really like that cat. Can you tell me why you like it?“
Giving them time to express their desires is part of the process of “teaching them about themselves.”
3. Set time limits
After helping your child express their difficulties and what they want, let them know that this is their decision to make. Say something like, “It seems like you want me to decide for you, but this is a decision you can make,” suggests Ms. Green.
Give them a timeframe of 5 to 10 minutes to decide. You can also offer suggestions that you find helpful, such as listing the pros and cons and asking them what they would do if a friend of theirs was facing the same choice. But ultimately, let them make the decision.
4. Practice decision-making
When you’re at the grocery store, let your child decide whether they want broccoli, green peppers, or cabbage for dinner.
“Practicing decision-making in small matters will help children learn to consider pros and cons quickly and develop a habit of making decisions,” says Hurley.
As they grow older, allow them to take on as much responsibility as possible. “I hear parents of children of various ages say, ‘I just want my child to join the robotics club because I know they love playing with robots,’ shares Ms. Green. So, when we make suggestions or try to persuade them that something else is best for them, or we change their minds to something they are capable of, we are taking away their chance to choose something they truly love.”
5. Encourage reflection after decision-making
Children are often told by adults what to do so frequently that when they make a good decision on their own, it goes unrecognized.
In the case of my daughter, witnessing her immense joy at the decision to buy the stuffed cat, I could say: “You listened to what you truly wanted and made a choice that felt right for you,” says Ms. Wood.
You can also help your child connect with their deeper emotions if they didn’t listen to their inner voice, especially when they tend to be influenced by their peers.
For example: “It seems like when you’re playing with Claire, you only do what she likes and not what you enjoy.”
This can help them realize when their behavior isn’t aligned with their goals or values.
“Just Five More Minutes, Mom!” — 3 Life-Changing Responses From Mom
1. “Absolutely, honey. But remember, we can always find more time for fun if we prioritize and manage our tasks efficiently. Let’s work together to make the most of our day, and we’ll squeeze in some extra playtime too!”
2. “I understand the desire to keep playing, dear. However, sometimes we have to embrace the discipline of delaying gratification. Let’s set a specific time for more play, and in the meantime, let’s focus on the joy of anticipation!”
3. “You know what, sweetie? I think we can make that happen! Let’s set a timer for those extra few minutes. That way, you get a little more playtime, and you also learn about time management and the value of every minute.”
Our expert statisticians have found that there are three common responses from mothers when their children ask, “Mom, can I play a little longer?”
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