When “Want” Becomes an Imposition
A mother shared with the doctor that her daughter promised to be home by 10 p.m. after a school performance. However, it was almost 11 p.m. when she finally arrived. Feeling both relieved and angry, the mother immediately asked, “Why didn’t you answer my calls? I was so worried!” to which the daughter replied, “I was on the bus, Mom. Please don’t scold me.”
This scenario is all too familiar. Instead of feeling loved, the child only feels controlled. The “want” in this context – “I want you to be home on time” and “I want you to answer my calls” – unintentionally puts the parent’s emotions first, leaving the child’s feelings and needs unattended.
When children sense that their thoughts and desires are not respected, they often react defiantly or withdraw. Gradually, the essential connection between parent and child weakens.
Shifting from Reproach to Understanding
Instead of starting with interrogation, Dr. Cherry Vu suggests a different approach. Begin with reassurance: “You’re home, and I’m so relieved. I was worried because it’s late, and there could be dangers. How was the performance today? Did you have fun?”
The difference lies in expressing direct concern and care for the child, rather than emphasizing personal desires. This way, children realize that their parents are genuinely interested in their safety and happiness, not just in whether they obey.
In a calmer atmosphere, children are more likely to explain and share, and even self-regulate their behavior to ease their parents’ worries. The connection is not only maintained but also strengthened.
Children Are Individuals Too
A key point that many parents overlook is that children have their own needs and perspectives. Generational differences can lead to unintentional imposition: “I want you to…”, “I hope you will…”, “I prefer you to…” While these phrases may seem harmless, to the child, they imply that the parent’s wishes take precedence.
Acknowledging the child as an independent individual does not mean neglect or indifference. On the contrary, it is the first step in building a relationship based on respect. When children feel heard, they are more likely to open up and accept guidance from their parents.
Changing the way we speak, from commands to sharing, and shifting from “want” to “I’m worried,” “I care,” or “I’m afraid you’ll be exhausted” creates a safe space where children can confide without fear of judgment.
A Bond Stronger Than Control
Many parents believe that tight control is essential for good parenting. However, in reality, absolute control never fosters a sense of connection. Children may obey temporarily, but their hearts may drift away.
Conversely, it is the connection that keeps children close to their parents, even during their adult years. When they feel loved and respected, children will voluntarily share, consider their parents’ feelings, and adjust their behavior to build mutual trust.
None of us are perfect. There will be times when anxiety turns our words harsh. But when irritation arises, instead of scolding, ask yourself, “Will this reaction bring me closer to my child?” If the answer is “no,” it might be time to try a different approach.
Replacing “Want” with “Care”
The word “want” isn’t inherently bad, but when used inappropriately, it can become pressurizing. While parents may desire their children to grow up, excel academically, and be kind, the way these desires are conveyed matters. When love is expressed through care, listening, and understanding, children won’t feel forced but will willingly stay connected.
In the journey of raising children, what matters most is not the number of rules set but the strength of the bond. Only when children feel connected will they truly trust and turn to their parents, even after they’ve entered adulthood.
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