3 Love Expression Mistakes That Create Distance Between Parents and Children

3 ways parents’ upbringing can make children distant

Sometimes parents think they are doing something good for their children, but the children receive it differently.

Frequently comparing their children

Social comparison theory suggests that when people constantly hear “Others are better,” it triggers a primitive survival fear – “If I’m not good enough, I will be abandoned.”

Imagine your child is nurturing a piggy bank. Every comparison you make is like doing two things at once – putting money into someone else’s jar while taking it out of theirs. The problem is that children will form a closed cognitive loop like this:

– My value = better than others (when praised)

– My existence = inferior to others (when mocked)

This type of “conditional love” will lead children to two extremes as they grow up. They may become “workaholics” constantly trying to prove themselves or give up on themselves, thinking, “I can’t do it anyway.”

Not valuing their talents

Neuroscience has discovered that when a person is compared, blood flow to the prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thinking) decreases, while the amygdala (the emotional center) becomes abnormally active.

It’s like forcing your computer to run ten antivirus programs simultaneously. All memory will be occupied, so where is the remaining psychological energy for development? In fact, the brain prioritizes survival. When it continues to cope with negative emotions such as shame and anxiety, it can only allocate more resources to “kill the virus” to survive.

This is similar to when children feel that their talents are not valued by their parents, which can lead to a sense of inferiority. Children begin to doubt themselves and are afraid to pursue their passions or interests.

The lack of talent recognition can make children feel less valuable than their peers, affecting their psychology and motivation to develop.

Ignoring their emotional changes

There is a theory of emotions in psychology. Every time parents ignore their children, it is equivalent to:

Withdrawal: Weakens children’s sense of security (“I have to be good enough to be loved”)

Transfer: Turns trust between parents and children into anxiety (“Others are better than me”)

Freeze: Turns off the function of expressing oneself (I will be compared anyway)

The scary thing is that this type of cognition will create a vicious cycle – the less energy children have, the worse their performance, the more worried the parents become, leading to escalated comparisons, and the black hole of children’s energy expands… Eventually, children become distant from their parents.

How can parents connect and communicate closely with their children?

Most of us have unconsciously said things we didn’t mean. Parents can apply three methods to change the way they talk to their children.

“Lens” communication method (turning comparisons into observations)

– Pull-down mode: “Little Bao, Mom sees that you’ve been studying this poem for 30 minutes, but you still haven’t memorized it.”

– Empowerment mode: “I see you’re looking for the best memorization method. Do you want us to experiment together?”

By asking questions focused on growth, you activate the prefrontal cortex instead of the amygdala, allowing your child’s brain to concentrate its “power” on problem-solving.

Balancing energy

Create a visual “energy account,” putting progress in the income column and deviations in the expense column, such as:

Income column: Taking the initiative to make new friends and giving children a bravery medal +10 energy cents/Focusing on playing for 30 minutes +5 energy cents/Finishing homework faster than yesterday +10 energy cents…

Expense column: Comparing once – 10 energy cents / Pretending to be happy – 8 energy cents…

When parents focus on what their children do well (even if it’s just tying their shoelaces 10 seconds faster than yesterday), they continuously reinforce positive behavior and boost their children’s confidence.

Setting up an “emotional buffer zone”

When parents are about to say something like a comparison, try this mantra: “I almost want to say… (take a deep breath), but what I want to say is, how can we solve this problem?”

Pausing for about two seconds can activate the prefrontal cortex of the brain, preventing the emotional brain from taking over and saying hurtful things. If necessary, parents can pat their child’s shoulder or touch their head to restore a sense of security.

Some people complain that ginkgo trees grow too slowly, and some say that willow trees have too many squirrel tails. But they forget that each tree grows at its own pace.

The precious legacy parents should leave their children is to nurture self-confidence, independence, and a happy life filled with love.

When children struggle to weather the storms of life in the next 20 years, what they need from their parents is not a ready-made suit of armor to be better than others but guidance to become themselves and build a bright future.