Children who lack love have empty hearts, and they desperately need a safe harbor to turn to when they feel anxious, scared, or confused. However, not all parents create a safe enough environment for their children to thrive.
Psychologist Adler believes that when children are not acknowledged, they will seek other ways to attract their parents’ attention, which can lead to inappropriate behaviors.
Therefore, if parents fail to recognize their children’s inner needs, the problem will escalate and become increasingly difficult to resolve.
In reality, children often send out signals indicating a lack of love, but most parents fail to notice them.
Adler categorizes the purpose behind children’s misbehaviors into five stages. When parents recognize these signals, they should aim to adjust their approach early on and provide their children with the love and support necessary for healthy physical and mental development.
Stage One: Seeking Recognition
At this stage, children seek recognition and praise from those around them for their accomplishments, which is a natural part of their psychological development.
They are highly sensitive to others’ evaluations and need encouragement to build self-confidence and a sense of self-worth. Positive feedback from parents not only makes children happy but also motivates them to strive for more.
If these inner needs are not met, such as not receiving the desired feedback and praise, children will move on to the next stage.
Children are highly sensitive to evaluations from others and require encouragement.
Stage Two: Seeking Attention
While children don’t like being scolded, they detest being ignored even more. They crave love and attention and will start exhibiting various behaviors to attract their parents’ attention.
For instance, a child might be drawing while their mother is working. Occasionally, the child will kick the table with their foot. If the mother tells them to stop, they will kick harder.
If a child frequently engages in behaviors that annoy their parents, trying to stop them will only make them do it more. However, when the mother focuses on the child, the inappropriate behavior stops momentarily, only to resume later, indicating that the child is still seeking attention.
Children dislike being scolded, but they detest being ignored even more.
Stage Three: Seeking Power
When children try different methods but still don’t get the desired results, they may start thinking, “If I had power, everyone would respect me,” “I’m only valuable when my parents can’t control me,” or “I’m the boss, and others can’t force me to do anything.”
As a result, they may exhibit more extreme behaviors to provoke their parents. The child’s goal is to annoy their parents and gain a sense of control. If the mother continues scolding as usual, she falls into their trap. This affirmation of the child’s thoughts reinforces their belief, and they become more confident in this direction.
The child’s goal is to annoy their parents and gain a sense of control.
Stage Four: Rebellion
Once a child realizes they cannot gain power in the third stage, they may develop a rebellious mindset, thinking, “Since I’m not liked, I want others to experience the pain of being disliked.”
“My mother doesn’t like me throwing toys, but I insist on doing it anyway. It feels good to see her angry.”
“My mother hates it when I draw on the walls, so I will continue doing it. I like seeing her so angry.”
“My mother values grades more than me, so if I skip school, let’s see what she’ll do!”
In summary, regardless of how sad it makes the parents, the central theme is causing pain. This is the child’s last-ditch effort to attract attention.
Stage Five: Embracing Inadequacy
When children don’t receive the necessary help and guidance in the fourth stage, they start to feel a sense of inadequacy and give up on themselves, thinking, “I’m not capable enough,” and “Don’t expect anything from me.” As a result, they react negatively to everything.
We can see that children’s deviant behaviors escalate from the initial stages, and addressing these issues becomes more challenging over time.
Therefore, when parents notice inappropriate behaviors in their children, they should first identify the stage their child is in, understand the purpose behind the behavior, and provide appropriate guidance to achieve positive outcomes.
Children start to feel a sense of inadequacy and give up on themselves.
The sense of belonging is the primary goal of human behavior. In other words, humans inherently seek acceptance from their group, strive to become valued members, and take actions to achieve this goal.
For children, the family is the only group they belong to. Being acknowledged by their parents makes them feel like an integral part of the family.
In reality, children don’t ask for much. Most of them just want their parents to recognize and appreciate their true selves. When parents open their minds and see the good in their children, they will naturally thrive and develop healthily.
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