Saying something like, “If you get bad grades, don’t come home” can unintentionally add to the weight of disappointment and pressure. Such words can make children feel like they’re carrying a huge burden, leading to confusion, anxiety, and fear instead of motivation.
This not only affects their psychology during the exam but can also extend to other aspects of their future lives. When children feel threatened or not good enough, they may become more shy, lose confidence, and even withdraw from future challenges.
Illustration photo.
Instead of using hurtful words, parents should find ways to express their expectations positively and supportively. A question like “How do you feel about this exam?” opens up a conversation and allows children to share their worries and pressures.
It’s also essential to encourage children to realize that grades aren’t everything. Parents can emphasize that the learning process and the child’s efforts are what matter. When children feel respected and recognized, they will be motivated to continue striving, regardless of the outcome.
On this issue, psychologist Nguyen Ngoc Vui provides analysis and suggests appropriate ways for parents to support their children through this critical exam.
Psychologist Nguyen Ngoc Vui.
What potential behaviors could the statement, “If you get bad grades, don’t come home,” lead to in children, such as avoidance or reluctance to share emotions?
This depends on the timing and the child’s personality. For example, if a child is entering their senior year of high school, parents clearly state their expectations and the path to achieving good academic performance, and the statement “If you get bad grades, don’t come home” may imply the parents’ seriousness about the child’s academic plan.
In reality, there is a risk-benefit ratio to this statement. Positively, it can make the child more focused and determined and help them make a study plan. However, if used just before an exam, like a week or a few days before, it will undoubtedly create pressure, and the child may resort to avoidance, suppress their emotions, or even reinforce the idea that “My parents will only accept me if I get good grades.”
So, the interpretation of this statement depends on the timing and the message the child receives. However, at any time, it can shape the child’s behavior but may also reduce their self-belief and sense of security because the statement conveys that “My parents’ love is conditional.”
With the tense atmosphere surrounding the high school graduation exam, is there a more appropriate way for parents to express their expectations without putting pressure on their children?
Nowadays, parents rarely find ways to express their expectations effectively. Usually, when parents express their expectations, it is because they want their children to do better academically. Therefore, if parents express their expectations appropriately, it can create an internal drive for their children.
However, if children are already going through a stressful exam period, parents’ expectations will only make the situation worse. Instead, when the graduation exam results are out and the child has done well, parents should share their joy.
If the child does not perform well, parents should realize that the child is probably the most disappointed. So, it is best to patiently wait for the child’s disappointment to pass. Then, have a conversation with the child about their weaknesses and draw lessons together.
By helping children understand that studying is for their future, parents can instill a stronger intrinsic motivation to strive. Parents can encourage children to set personal goals and explore how their education can help them achieve their dreams.
What is the most effective way for parents to communicate and encourage their children to perform well in this exam without causing psychological harm?
Parents should help children understand that “You are valuable; show your ability in the exam” or “Your score does not reflect your full value, but you are valuable, so use your score to shine.” Such statements can provide positive encouragement.
So, the most effective way to communicate is to help children understand their self-worth and that their hard work during the revision period will pay off. If children focus on their revision, they will undoubtedly achieve good results. Conversely, if they haven’t been diligent, they should take responsibility for their results.
Another scenario to consider is “Studying hard but failing to achieve desired results due to unforeseen circumstances.” In such cases, parents should be there to comfort their children and help them understand the inherent unpredictability of life.
In summary, parents should convey the messages, “You are accepted” and “A person’s growth comes from continuous effort.”
If children have received negative messages from their parents in the past, how can they overcome this and rebuild their confidence?
In reality, there is no better way than an honest apology. If parents have made a mistake, they should admit it. An apology is an opportunity to rebuild the relationship and restore trust. When parents admit their mistakes, it shows humility and teaches children an important lesson about facing their faults and taking responsibility.
Parents should want to make amends and show their children that their perception of them has changed. This helps children feel loved and respected and understand that everyone makes mistakes, and what matters is learning from them.
When children see their parents’ sincerity in admitting their faults, they will feel safer sharing their emotions and worries.
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