“I Don’t Need My Parents”: How a Child’s Future Outlook on Filial Piety is Shaped by Parental Reactions

Illustration photo.

At a certain age, children often want to assert their independence and seek autonomy. Saying that they don’t need their parents can be their way of expressing this desire for independence. Or, when children feel like they’re not being heard or they’re unhappy with a decision, they might react with denial.

If parents respond negatively, children may feel lonely and unsupported, leading to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. If this situation occurs frequently without intervention, children may struggle to build healthy relationships.

Therefore, how parents react and handle these inappropriate statements reflects the family’s teaching and upbringing. It will influence how the child grows up and whether they will be compassionate and confident. In this case, a psychologist offers a deeper analysis.

Psychologist Nguyen Ngoc Vui.

What factors in the family environment make children feel that they don’t need their parents?”

According to Attachment Theory in psychology, there are four types of attachment between parents and children.

– Secure attachment.

– Anxious attachment.

– Avoidant attachment.

– Anxious-avoidant attachment.

Among these, avoidant attachment indicates that the child has been psychologically affected to some degree and tends to distance themselves from their parents. When a child expresses that they don’t need their parents, it means they have gone through a phase of disappointment, tried to seek help but didn’t receive a response, and gradually lost trust, leading to a change in their belief that “I don’t need my parents.”

In reality, the younger the child, the greater their need for attachment to their parents. In the first two years of life, children almost always want to be with their parents.

“What could be the child’s emotions when they say, ‘I don’t need my parents!’? Could there be fear, anger, or disappointment?”

It depends on the child’s age and the context. If it’s the first time a child says, “I don’t need my parents,” their emotions might stem from anger or confusion. Typically, the underlying message behind this statement is a desire for their parents to recognize their need for attachment and quickly reconnect with them.

If a child repeats this statement a second time, their emotions could be rooted in anger, sadness, or even a sense of resignation. Subsequent times might indicate a numbing of emotions, a way to cope with the pain of not receiving the desired support or care from their parents.

Initially, fear, anger, and disappointment are prevalent and overwhelming in the child’s mind. Thus, the underlying message is often, “I need my parents more”, but over time, their emotions might freeze, and they might start believing, “I can live without my parents.”

“What are your thoughts on the belief that children who frequently say these words will grow up to be unfilial?”

We need to consider the child’s motivation behind these words, as they often reflect their emotions and psychological state.

In many cases, children are sensitive and might use these words as a way to get attention, comfort, or an apology from their parents. When children feel hurt or ignored, they may use this phrase to express their desire for attention and comfort.

However, if a child says this with conviction and determination, it could indicate that they have genuinely experienced some form of psychological trauma. They might feel abandoned, misunderstood, or unloved. In such situations, listening and understanding their emotions become crucial.

There is no research to support the idea that children who say, “I don’t need my parents” when they’re young will be unfilial when they grow up. In fact, many children who go through these challenging phases still grow up to be grateful and loving towards their parents.

“What are some ways for parents to maintain a connection with their children when they express a desire for separation?”

Parents need to understand why their child wants to separate and at what age this desire arises. If it’s a teenager seeking separation, it’s often a natural desire for freedom and self-discovery, independent of their parents’ influence.

For a 6-7-year-old child starting school and transitioning from a family environment to a social one, the desire to make friends and explore new surroundings is significant.

For a 3-year-old child, there’s a growing need to form their own identity. For example, they might say, “I don’t need my parents to feed me anymore” or “I can dress myself”. Instead of depending on their parents, they want to do things independently.

This desire for separation is entirely valid, but parents need to teach their children how to express their wishes accurately and clearly, with good intentions.

When a child expresses this desire, the parents’ reaction is essential. Explain to them that you understand their desire for independence, but also share your thoughts and feelings about hearing such hurtful words.

In reality, the need for attachment between parents and children is always present, regardless of age. This attachment can be reconnected at any stage of life. Along with attachment, children also need their private space to develop their interests and prepare for adulthood.

So, while parents should be prepared for their child’s desire for separation, they also need to consider each specific situation.