Psychologist Lan Ma asserts that emotionally intelligent and articulate parents avoid discussing the following three topics in front of their children.
Awareness and refraining from these subjects in communication foster a positive family environment, contributing to the child’s healthy mental and emotional development.
Recounting past achievements for comparison
Bringing up past accomplishments for comparison, such as saying, “You got a perfect score last time, but this time you only got an 8. Why is that?” can unintentionally put pressure on children. Most of us, including children, want to showcase our best selves and often feel uncomfortable when parents constantly emphasize grades.
Past achievements are better left in the past, and dwelling on them only adds pressure. Instead of comparing, let bygones be bygones and encourage your child to embrace new challenges. Trusting your child’s abilities and helping them manage anxiety are traits of emotionally intelligent parents.
For instance, instead of asking, “Have you studied for your exam?” try saying, “Would you like to go out for a nice meal to boost your exam morale?”
This not only reduces pressure but also creates a relaxed and comfortable space, shifting the focus away from grades. Encouragement and belief from parents can be a powerful motivator for children to excel.
Sharing secrets with others
An individual recounts: “When I was little, the first thing I’d do when I got home was share my little secrets with my mom, but now I just want to avoid her.” The reason lies in feeling “betrayed” by her mother.
It started when she discovered a cheating incident at school and shared it with her mother as a “little secret.” However, the next day, her mother divulged the story to other parents. Consequently, the cheater’s mother found out and punished the child. Upon returning to school, the cheater took revenge by placing scary dolls in her bag.
In just one night, the mother became a “traitor” in her daughter’s eyes, and their relationship grew distant. The mother believed she was right, but she failed to realize that her child needed a safe space to confide in.
Whether the story is good or bad, if your child asks you to keep it a secret, respect their request. When they say, “Mom, I want to tell you a little secret,” they view you as a trusted ally. Respect and trust are paramount.
Breaking your child’s trust can lead to irreparable consequences. Therefore, safeguarding their “little secrets” builds intergenerational bridges, and trust becomes the most valuable asset in the parent-child relationship.
Bringing up painful memories your child wants to forget
When parents bring up painful memories their children want to forget, it can create discomfort and pressure for the child. Sad memories or difficult experiences are often parts of the past that children want to bury. Constantly bringing up these issues makes them feel invaded, increasing feelings of loneliness and a lack of understanding.
Children need space to heal and confront their emotions. When parents fail to respect this, children may feel abandoned and unheard. Instead of reopening old wounds, parents should create a safe environment where children can share when they are ready. Sensitivity and understanding from parents are key to helping children overcome trauma and rebuild trust.
When children feel supported and loved, their relationship with their parents strengthens.
So, when your child is feeling inferior to others, refrain from bringing up these topics. Instead, show your trust and be forgiving. A little humor can go a long way in lightening the mood and making your child feel more comfortable.
In a relaxed and friendly environment, your child’s confidence and optimism will gradually emerge. When they feel supported and loved, their relationship with you will become closer. Love and understanding are the foundations for their growth, enabling them to confidently face life’s challenges.
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