The Power of Words: When Parents Yell, These 5 Phrases Are Off-Limits

What happens to children who are frequently scolded as they grow up?

Some netizens have described the feeling of anxiety when scolded as a child, and how they would unconsciously pinch their own hands, sometimes even drawing blood. This immediate physical reaction is just the tip of the iceberg; the deeper emotional damage is what truly affects a child’s psychology.

Professor Li Meijin once conducted an in-depth survey with 1,000 teenagers, and the results were startling. She found that children who were frequently scolded by their parents exhibited more personality flaws as they grew up.

Among these, low self-esteem and depression accounted for 25.7%, while callousness and irritability accounted for 56.5%.

A child’s memory and reaction speed can be negatively impacted by constant criticism.

Behind these numbers lies a child’s distorted thinking, shaped by the constant barrage of scolding.

Moreover, children who are exposed to prolonged negative energy will suffer adverse effects on their physical and mental health, particularly in terms of brain development and intelligence.

Research by Martin A. Teicher, an associate professor at Harvard Medical School, shows that children who are frequently scolded have a smaller hippocampus (a crucial region for memory formation) and corpus callosum (a bundle of nerve fibers connecting the left and right brain hemispheres).

In other words, their memory and reaction speed can be negatively impacted, and their IQ may also be directly affected.

As Todd, a child and adolescent psychology expert, says, when parents lose their temper, children lose their sense of direction and focus.

Even in anger, there are 5 hurtful things you should never say to your child

“If you do this, I won’t love you anymore!” – Using threats

Many parents unknowingly utter phrases like “I won’t love you anymore”…

But for children, the fear of being abandoned can truly shatter their sense of security.

“Look at how well-behaved that child is!” – Constant comparisons

There was a survey on “The Things Parents Say That Children Hate the Most”

Out of 275,000 participants, more than half of the children unanimously chose “Look at how well-behaved that child is.”

“That child” is the embodiment of a parent’s expectations, but also the nightmare of most children.

In reality, no child willingly admits to being inferior to others. Children want affirmation from adults, based on understanding.

However, many parents tend to compare their child’s flaws with another’s strengths. This constant comparison can breed jealousy within the child.

Limit your criticism of your child.

“Are you stupid?” – Attacking their intelligence

Zheng Yuanjie once said, “The nature of human beings is to desire praise, and children especially long for it. This is like watering a tree to help it grow tall, while disdain will cause it to wither.”

Encouragement and praise for strengths and progress help build a child’s self-confidence and positive attitude towards life.

“Why can’t you ever get anything right?” – Bringing up past mistakes

As the writer Liu Zhenyun wrote, constant reminders of past mistakes inadvertently hinder progress and independence, while also draining one’s vitality.

Bringing up past mistakes can damage a child’s ambition to improve and strive to do better.

“We do everything for you!” – Putting pressure on love

This phrase, seemingly filled with love, inadvertently puts pressure on the child.

When parents constantly remind their child that all their sacrifices, efforts, and hard work are for them, it can create an invisible burden. Instead of feeling loved, the child may feel that they are the cause of all the pressure and expectations.

Inappropriate expressions of love can inadvertently create pressure.

So, what’s the secret to helping parents reduce verbal violence?

Change to a gentler tone of voice

When parents use a gentle, soft tone, children feel loved and respected. This helps children absorb the message and respond more positively.

Instead of feeling pressured or criticized, children feel heard and understood, which is crucial for their psychological and emotional development.

Put your emotions on “pause”

Psychology provides a technique called “Pause and Reflect” to manage emotions.

Pause: When emotions run high, first step away and find a quiet place to avoid external stimuli that may aggravate your feelings.

Take a Breath: Take three deep breaths in a row to calm your body and ease the tension and anger.

Observe: Once you’ve calmed down, think about why you’re angry, and consider whether your child’s behavior truly warrants such a reaction.

Procedure: After reflecting calmly, devise a subtle strategy and take positive, appropriate actions to address the issue.

Adopting a gentler tone can help improve communication.

Manage your expectations

Shakespeare once said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

Why do parents get angry with their children? Sometimes, it’s not because the child isn’t performing well, but because the parents haven’t managed their expectations properly.

When expectations aren’t met, it can lead to anxiety, anger, and a tendency to blame the child.

Having realistic expectations means acknowledging your child’s strengths and weaknesses and setting achievable goals.

Healthy expectations will nurture your child’s development.

Establish effective communication methods

When communicating with your child, certain skills can help avoid conflict and achieve positive educational outcomes.

For example:

– Use “mom” or “dad” at the beginning of a sentence to increase the impact and create a closer connection.

“Mom has been through this before.” “Dad made the same mistakes when he was your age.”

– Use the third-person effect to persuade your child and make educational points more palatable.

“Your teacher told me you’ve been making great progress.” “Your classmates say you’re very kind.”

– Skillfully use the “sandwich effect” to make criticism more acceptable.

Effective communication methods can help improve parent-child relationships.

The “sandwich effect” refers to placing criticism between two layers of praise, making it easier for the other person to accept.

In practice, this means praise – criticism – expectation.

“You’ve always been good at math, and I’ve never had to worry about that. (Praise)

But lately, I’ve noticed that you’ve been a bit careless with your Vietnamese writing and often make spelling mistakes. (Criticism)

It’s okay, though. I believe you can slowly improve in this area. (Expectation)”

According to writer Shen Yeyan, all influences are very subtle. As children grow up and look back, they will realize that their developmental path was shaped by these influences.

Every word a parent says can either propel a child forward or hold them back on their journey to adulthood.

Scolding may cause temporary fear in children, but like a bitter wind, it leaves a lasting chill in their hearts.