Beneath the veneer of unwavering assertiveness often lies deep-seated insecurity. Emotionally intelligent individuals seem to instinctively recognize this.
Stubbornness about being right rarely stems from genuine confidence but is rather a defense mechanism against feelings of inadequacy or past hurts. When your colleague vehemently defends their flawed project plan, they might be shielding themselves from past embarrassment.
Emotionally wise individuals respond with empathy instead of confrontation. They create a sense of safety rather than threat. This doesn’t mean accepting inaccurate information or harmful behavior but addressing it with compassion.
2. Transform debates into a joint exploration
Instead of confrontation, emotionally intelligent people turn debates into collaboration. They stand side by side, jointly examining the issue, using open-ended language, and removing personal ownership of ideas.
They value better ideas, regardless of their source. They create an environment that encourages intellectual flexibility. Instead of saying, “That’s wrong, and here’s why,” they say, “I wonder what we might discover if we looked at it this way…” The questions become genuinely curious rather than attempting to expose flaws, shifting the interaction from fighting to cooperation.
3. Focus on shared goals
Emotionally intelligent individuals are adept at “diving” beneath the surface of disagreements to uncover deeper, shared goals. They skillfully steer the conversation toward the values and purposes both parties hold dear, creating space for different approaches to coexist. They balance assertiveness about goals with flexibility in methods.
4. Acknowledge unknowns
Confidence coupled with humility is a potent weapon for emotionally intelligent people. They’re comfortable acknowledging uncertainties and actively seek contributions from others. By modeling comfort in not knowing everything, they create psychological safety for others to do the same.
5. Find merit in opposing views
Emotionally intelligent individuals can view issues from multiple perspectives and find value even in opinions they disagree with. This isn’t manipulation but a genuine recognition of partial truth.
When dealing with a stubborn individual, this acknowledgment can create a safe space for genuine dialogue to begin, allowing them to listen to understand rather than merely rebut. This open-minded approach sometimes leads to surprising insights, enhancing their own thinking.
6. Share from personal experience, not absolutism
Absolutist statements often trigger defensiveness. Emotionally intelligent individuals skillfully avoid this by sharing perspectives based on personal experiences, starting with “I” instead of making universal, prescriptive statements. This approach invites listening and fosters more open dialogue. It makes the conversation partner feel informed, not lectured; consulted, not corrected.
7. Know when to tactfully “back down”
Emotionally intelligent individuals have the strategic ability to know when to tactfully “back down.” They recognize that some people aren’t open to considering alternative viewpoints, no matter how persuasively presented.
Instead of exhausting themselves in futile efforts, they gracefully pivot: “We can look at this differently, and that’s okay. What about the project timeline?” They don’t pretend to agree for the sake of harmony but respectfully acknowledge differences and shift to more productive areas. They discern when a debate becomes fruitless and will redirect to more constructive issues, conserving energy for the truly important “battles.”
8. Maintain calm when provoked
The ability to regulate emotions is a true superpower. Emotionally intelligent individuals hone this skill through awareness of early emotional signals and employ techniques like deep breathing or pausing to avoid getting swept away by anger. They observe conversations objectively rather than reacting impulsively.
9. Prioritize connection over being right
In challenging interactions, emotionally intelligent individuals prioritize relationships over winning. They pay attention to tone, timing, and language choices. They ask themselves if this disagreement will matter in the future and opt to maintain connection rather than forcefully correct at all costs.
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