Psychologists Li Mai Cun and Master Doan Kien Ly from China propose a gentler approach to parenting. They caution against the dangers of parents being overwhelmed by negative emotions, causing them to confront their children like the farmer in the “snake-chasing effect” story, chasing after the venomous snake without tending to the wound. Such behavior not only fails to resolve issues but also hurts both parties and can lead to a ruined relationship. Instead of confrontation, parents should demonstrate love and patience while providing guidance and support for their children’s healthy development.
So, how can parents and children walk this journey together?
Respect-Based Parenting
Respect-based parenting, also known as “wise parenting,” advocated by Margot Machol Bisnow, an American author, and child development expert, combines setting regular standards and rules (such as managing personal finances) with respecting children’s choices (like letting them decide on extracurricular activities).
“When I discuss with people the benefits of respectful parenting, many are often surprised and find it unconventional,” says Ms. Bisnow. “Why give children the freedom to choose? It would be easier if parents intervened before their children made mistakes. However, there are parents who value their children’s independence and refrain from imposing their opinions when their children want to explore or express themselves.”
Many traditional parenting methods, such as being too indulgent or authoritarian, often involve one-way communication and a lack of consideration for the child’s emotions. In contrast, respectful parenting treats children as independent individuals capable of thinking for themselves.
Angela Duckworth, author of “Grit” and a renowned psychologist, concurs that this is one of the most effective parenting methods: “Parents capable of respecting their children are those who understand their psychological needs. They value the need for love, appropriate limits, and the freedom to flourish. Their strength doesn’t come from dominance but from knowledge and wisdom.”
Children Need Respect from Their Parents, Too
Encourage Autonomy and Affirm Belief
Encourage children to make decisions within a set framework while guiding them to optimize their tasks. More importantly, express belief in their ability to overcome challenges.
Thomas Vu, who grew up under strict rules, was given the freedom by his parents to pursue his passions.
“My parents expected me to get high grades. While not easy, with this condition, I was free to play the video games I loved,” Thomas Vu shared with Margot Machol Bisnow.
While studying biotechnology, Thomas Vu had the opportunity to intern at Electronic Arts, one of the leading video game companies. His parents were not exactly thrilled but supported his decision to drop out of college to focus on game development. Eventually, Thomas Vu became the lead producer at Riot Games, overseeing the “League of Legends” game, with a player base of 180 million.
Encourage Children to Make Decisions within a Set Framework
Foster Independence
Encourage children to freely express their opinions. Respect their personal space and refrain from interfering too much in their actions or words.
DA Wallach, a renowned tech investor, had an impressive investment track record with Spotify. When he was just eight years old and began showing an interest in investing, his mother gave him a sum of money and opened an investment account for him. Wallach spent hours researching companies, and although his mother offered suggestions, the final investment decision was his.
After six years, Wallach had lost much of his money, but his mother emphasized that experiencing loss was an essential part of the learning process.
Not all parents may have the means to provide their children with investment funds, but Wallach’s mother found a way to develop his skills without money: through analysis, lively discussions, valuing his opinions, and teaching him how to accept failure without losing heart.
Encourage Children to Freely Express Their Opinions
Learn to Admit Mistakes to Your Children
Facing the need to apologize to their children, some parents worry that this might lead to a loss of control over their children later on.
Balzac, the renowned French author, once shared that children have a profound sense of their caretakers’ shortcomings. This helps them discern whether they are receiving genuine love or mere indulgence.
In the author’s view, when parents show respect for their children, the children, in turn, learn to respect their parents. Parental courage in admitting their mistakes is key to strengthening their relationship and earning their children’s respect.
Listen to Your Children
In conflict situations with children, the most important thing for parents to do is listen to their child.
According to the Hawthorne Effect, people tend to change their behavior when they know they are being observed. Every undesirable action from a child usually has a specific reason.
Parents need to take the time to truly listen to their children to understand the deeper reasons behind their actions and thus guide and nurture them effectively. Children yearn for attention and understanding from their parents. When this emotional need is met, they feel encouraged and thrive better in the family environment.
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