American psychologist Marvin Marshall once shared a profound insight: “When the flowers we plant don’t grow as expected, instead of blaming the flowers, we need to look for causes in other factors.” This perspective also applies to raising children.
When a child doesn’t develop in the way we want, the responsibility shouldn’t be placed on the child but rather on finding faults in the education process we’ve carried out. More importantly, parents need to be able to self-examine and adjust their methods to better suit the child’s needs and characteristics.
Children develop through different stages in life, each with distinct psychological traits and parenting requirements. Only when parents understand this can they effectively accompany and support their children, helping them become excellent individuals in the future.
In particular, there is a period considered the “golden nine years,” marking the decisive years in every child’s life. Many parents often regret not realizing the importance of this stage earlier.
Ages 9-11: Forming Habits
At ages 9 to 11, children tend to favor play over study. Without guidance to develop positive habits, they can easily be drawn to attractive but unproductive things. Wise parents will encourage their children to follow three essential principles to lay the foundation for their self-discipline and excellence.
At ages 9 to 11, children often favor play over study
Encourage Self-Learning and Good Habits
Instilling habits of tidiness and carefulness in work will help children develop a sense of responsibility. Encouraging them to explore, ask questions, and revise knowledge independently will reinforce what they’ve learned and foster a proactive attitude towards learning.
Foster a Love for Reading
Children with a reading habit tend to have a richer vocabulary and better expression skills. This advantage can be leveraged during elementary school when free time is relatively abundant. Parents should take their children to libraries, read and discuss books with them, thus stimulating their curiosity for knowledge.
Maintain Physical Activity for Good Health
Health is crucial for children to excel in their studies and life. Parents can encourage outdoor activities such as walking, sports, or hiking. These activities not only help reduce stress but also boost energy levels, contributing to more effective learning.
Ages 12-14: Devoting Time to Teenagers
When children enter their teenage years, many parents find it challenging to communicate with them. Reflections like “they’re becoming sensitive,” “rebellious,” or “hard to manage” become common. But is puberty the sole cause of these issues?
In reality, not every child exhibits rebellious behavior during adolescence. If children grow up in a suitable environment, with their spiritual and emotional needs met and positive communication with their parents, what reason would they have to rebel?
The book “Decoding Puberty” accurately states: “Teenage years are a tumultuous time, with mind and body undergoing profound changes. Those who seem distant and rebellious often yearn for understanding and support from their parents. Beyond an outward show of strength or coldness, what they need is patience and empathy from their parents to build solid trust.”
Communicating with teenagers can be challenging for parents.
To support your child during this challenging stage, parents only need to do the following two things:
Teach Emotional Management
Those who can control their emotions can truly shape their lives. Guide your children to face their feelings, from academic pressures to negative emotions like anxiety or depression. Finding root causes and positive coping mechanisms will help them develop independence and resilience.
Develop Resilience to Stress
While middle school pressures can be intense, they are just a part of the bigger picture as children prepare for greater challenges in higher grades. This is the perfect time to equip them with stress management skills, along with teaching them to accept failure and embrace new experiences. Effort, even without success, deserves recognition.
Ages 15-17: Family Knows When to “Let Go” to Nurture Promising Children
Philosopher Erich Fromm asserted, “Without respect, love can easily turn into domination and possession.” This explains why children raised in controlling families often struggle to develop into positive and cheerful individuals. Despite a smiling facade, they may harbor deep psychological wounds.
Children are unique individuals with their dreams and paths. They are not tools for parents to realize their ideals or ambitions, nor are they medals to be displayed to friends. Parents who don’t know how to “let go” will find it challenging to raise self-reliant and thriving children.
True love means respecting your child’s choices. Provide advice, explain pros and cons clearly, and support their decisions. Parental happiness doesn’t just lie in having their children by their side but also in fostering their independence and freedom to explore the world.
True love respects your child’s choices.
Here are three ways for parents to “let go” and create space for their children to flourish:
Allow Self-Choice
Parents can guide their children to visit universities, explore majors, and offer helpful suggestions, but avoid imposition. Encouraging them to set goals based on their passions will boost motivation and confidence in pursuing their dreams.
Permit Mistakes
Life is a long journey, and making mistakes is normal. Children need to be allowed to err as they discover themselves and the world. Help them identify and learn from mistakes instead of worrying excessively about them.
Foster Independence
The most precious gift parents can give their children is not shielding them from all difficulties but equipping them with self-reliance. This includes life skills such as laundry, cooking, and communication. Teach them what they need to thrive independently and live well away from home.
The education process is not just about the child’s development but also the parents’ maturation. The strongest love comes from those willing to change for their children’s betterment. This commitment will lay a solid foundation for their future, helping them succeed and find happiness.
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