Many parents struggle with the challenge of dealing with a defiant child. As children grow older, their psychological and emotional development intensifies, leading to a stronger expression of their opinions and emotions.
In the midst of rushed or stressful conversations, children might express thoughts that parents don’t want to hear, creating a situation often referred to as backtalk.
Understanding the Reasons Behind Backtalk: Two Common Causes for Parents to Consider
Language Development Stage
Around the ages of 2 to 3, children’s language skills undergo a significant improvement, enabling them to articulate their ideas clearly and even counter their mother’s statements.
This stage marks the “first rebellion” and coincides with a rapid development of self-awareness.
Common backtalk scenarios include statements like “I don’t like this color of clothes, I won’t wear them” or “I don’t want to sleep.”
As children approach the age of 6, their defiant words may become more reasonable. For instance, a child might ask, “Why can you eat ice cream, but I can’t?”
While these situations might seem like backtalk, they actually signify the child’s developing language skills and improved ability to express themselves.
Testing the Importance of the Mother’s Role
Some children, especially those who are more intelligent, will use their words to challenge their mothers, seeking to understand the boundaries and limits of their behavior.
If a child realizes that their backtalk goes unchecked, they perceive that they have crossed a boundary, and this may lead to more serious and frequent defiance in the future.
Of course, some children simply exercise their right to speak. For instance, when a child says, “I don’t want to sleep,” they are expressing their desire not to go to bed at that moment.
If the mother insists on strict adherence to bedtime, the child understands that the ultimate outcome is compliance with the designated sleep schedule.
It’s common for parents to react to backtalk with anger.
Responding to Backtalk: Three Phrases to Help Diffuse Tension and Encourage Positive Behavior
Instead of “You’re too old to listen to me now,” try “You’re growing up, and I’m glad you’re expressing your opinions”
A typical parental reaction to backtalk is anger, often expressed as “You’re too old to listen to me now.” This response escalates tension and makes the child feel criticized rather than understood.
However, by changing the approach and saying, “You’re growing up, and I’m glad you’re expressing your opinions,” a more relaxed atmosphere is created. The child might even laugh and realize that the parent is “teasing” them, understanding that expressing their viewpoint is positive.
At times, the child might feel embarrassed and apologize, realizing that they were too aggressive and didn’t use the right language to convey their thoughts. This presents a valuable opportunity for learning and growth.
Parents can seize these moments to correct their child’s behavior and language, guiding them towards expressing emotions in a respectful and appropriate manner.
Replace “You have no right to talk back” with “You’re a family member, and you have the right to speak”
Typically, when we are contradicted, our initial reaction is anger.
Refrain from saying “You have no right to talk back,” as this makes the child feel unjustly treated and bullied. Instead, try “You’re a family member, and you have the right to speak,” and allow the child to express their thoughts and personal views.
However, it’s essential to remind the child to respect their elders and maintain a polite tone when speaking. Parents should also adopt gentler methods and language when communicating with their children.
Swap “Be quiet, I don’t want to hear it” with “What do you think? Tell me your ideas”
When children talk back, parents should avoid reacting aggressively and telling them to “be quiet.”
Instead, a calmer response could be, “Are you answering me back? Do you have any other ideas? Please tell me.”
This approach encourages children to organize their language and express their ideas logically and reasonably. Most children raised with this method are less likely to engage in verbal aggression and tend to resolve issues more positively as they grow older.
Helen Keller once said, “Language is the expression of one’s thoughts and feelings.” So, when children talk back, parents can use precise language to communicate with their children and fully express their love.
