“Parents, Stop Ordering Your Kids Around”

Many children feel unable to live up to their parents’ expectations, leading to negative psychological effects such as anxiety, depression, or even rebellion. These children may become well-behaved in the short term but lack the ability to develop sustainably in the future.

Illustration photo.

Parents should also be aware that education is not just about imparting knowledge but also about nurturing children’s character and values. Parents can guide and give advice, but allowing children to make decisions on some matters will help them feel more responsible for their choices.

The authoritarian parenting style can bring certain benefits, but it also poses risks to children’s psychological and character development. To raise children effectively, parents need to find a balance between providing direction and encouraging independent thinking. Only then can children become confident, creative individuals capable of facing life’s challenges.

On this matter, psychologist Quang Thi Mong Chi offers insightful observations and helps parents find suitable parenting methods to promote healthier development.

Psychologist Quang Thi Mong Chi.

Do many people agree that the saying, “Parents are older, so children must listen,” is a “cliché” that breaks the parent-child relationship? What does the expert think about this?

The statement, “Parents are older, so children must listen,” reflects a traditional approach to child-rearing, especially prevalent in East Asian cultures, where respect for the authority of elders is a core value. However, using this phrase too frequently and rigidly can cause problems in the parent-child relationship.

First, it diminishes mutual respect and connection: When parents demand obedience without explaining their reasons or listening to their children’s opinions, the children may feel disrespected. This can lead to alienation and difficulty in opening up about their feelings or thoughts. The relationship becomes one-sided, with power belonging to the parents, and children are left in a passive position.

Next, it creates a sense of pressure and resistance: When children are forced to obey without understanding, they may feel pressured and easily resist, especially during adolescence. Instead of building a relationship based on respect and understanding, this phrase can make children feel oppressed and lacking in personal freedom.

Finally, it hinders children’s personal development and independence: A healthy family relationship is not just about obedience but also about encouraging independent thinking. If children are only told to listen without being allowed to make their own decisions or think for themselves, they will struggle to develop self-reliance and make sound decisions in the future.

Thus, the phrase, “Parents are older, so children must listen,” if overused, can disrupt the parent-child relationship. Instead, mutual respect, listening, and dialogue should be considered essential elements in building a healthy family relationship, where children are not only loved but also allowed to develop their thinking and character comprehensively.

Why do parents often impose such sayings on their children?

Parents use phrases like, “Parents are older, so children must listen,” for various reasons rooted in both cultural traditions and personal psychology. In terms of cultural influence and tradition, we see that in many cultures, especially in Asian countries like Vietnam, respecting the authority of elders is an important value.

Parents are seen as figures of experience, knowledge, and power, and children are often expected to obey without question. Such sayings reflect the expectation of children’s obedience to their parents, stemming from the belief that parents always know what is best for their offspring.

Moreover, it could be an inheritance from the traditional parenting methods of the previous generation. Many parents apply the same approach they experienced from their parents. Such phrases may have been ingrained in their minds since childhood, and they unconsciously repeat this pattern without considering its negative impact on their children’s psychology.

From a psychological perspective, this educational approach may stem from a fear of losing control. Parents often worry about losing control over their children, especially during adolescence. In an attempt to protect their children from mistakes or harmful decisions, many resort to strict management and demand obedience without explanation. This sometimes arises from anxiety about their parenting abilities or fear of external dangers. It could also result from a lack of communication and listening skills.

Some parents may not know how to convey their thoughts and expectations skillfully. They feel that giving orders or imposing rules is the only way to ensure their children’s compliance. A lack of listening skills or patience in dialogue can lead to the use of powerful statements to quickly end discussions.

If children feel they are not being heard in the family, how might this affect their psychological development?

As mentioned earlier, if parents overuse this phrase, it will have many negative effects on the parent-child relationship and children’s psychology.

For example, children may develop a sense of helplessness and low self-esteem, fear, rebellious behavior, loss of independence, decision-making skills, and problem-solving abilities, or even difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future.

Specifically, being forced to obey without the opportunity to express their opinions can make children feel helpless, disrespected, and inferior. They may think that their opinions and emotions are insignificant, leading to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in their ability to make choices.

Children may also develop anxiety or fear when facing difficult decisions or situations because they are not encouraged to think independently. Not being allowed to express their opinions and make decisions can also make children constantly afraid of making mistakes, leading to psychological stress and a lack of confidence.

At the same time, not being encouraged to think independently will likely affect their problem-solving and decision-making abilities in the future when they are no longer dependent on their parents. In other cases, children may react by rebelling and resisting parental authority.

This is particularly evident during adolescence, when children begin to seek independence and assert their individuality. The compulsion to obey without listening and understanding can create distance between parents and children, leading to alienation and tension in the relationship.

Additionally, children raised in an environment where compliance and submission are emphasized may struggle to build healthy relationships with friends, colleagues, or even life partners later on. They may not know how to resolve conflicts or express their opinions effectively, leading to imbalanced and unhealthy relationships.

Can the expert share some effective communication methods that parents can use to avoid creating distance with their children?

To avoid creating distance with their children and build a strong relationship, parents can employ effective communication methods that promote both healthy development and family connection.

Some of the most important communication skills to be practiced regularly include active listening, asking open-ended questions, respecting children’s emotions and opinions, providing guidance and clear explanations instead of criticism, and refraining from hurting children’s feelings.

When disagreeing with children’s thoughts or behaviors, parents should explain the reasons and consequences of such behaviors instead of giving orders. One of the most effective ways to show respect and create space for children to share is through active listening. This involves paying attention to what children say, not interrupting, and showing interest in their thoughts and emotions.

Parents should provide feedback by repeating what their children have said to ensure they understand their message correctly. When asking questions, instead of asking yes or no questions, parents should use open-ended questions to encourage children to express their opinions and emotions. This helps children develop independent thinking skills and clearly express their thoughts.

Parents also need to respect their children’s opinions and emotions, even when there is disagreement. This helps children feel heard and not belittled. Instead of dismissing their feelings, acknowledge and empathize with them before sharing your thoughts.

Always use positive language to create a friendly and comfortable communication atmosphere. Additionally, giving children the right to make decisions in minor matters or those concerning themselves will help them develop self-reliance and a sense of being respected. It will also make them understand that they are responsible for their choices. Another important thing for parents to learn and practice is to admit their mistakes.

Parents are not always right, and admitting mistakes to children is a great way to teach humility and sincerity. It also sets an example for children on how to resolve conflicts positively. Avoid judging children too harshly or comparing them with others, as it makes them feel inadequate. Instead of comparing, focus on their strengths and encourage their personal development.

In summary, to build a strong and effective parent-child relationship, it is crucial to create space for mutual respect and open dialogue. When parents apply positive communication methods, children will feel loved and understood, reducing the risk of creating distance in the relationship.