Several studies have shown that a tendency to praise children for their inherent traits (intelligence/talent) can easily lead to complacency and low self-esteem. Telling your child, “You’re amazing!” or “You’re so smart!” is akin to permanently labeling them. When they encounter failure, they may doubt themselves and think, “I’m not amazing anymore,” thus fostering a fixed mindset.
Moreover, vague praise can lead to a mistaken sense of worth and decrease self-confidence based on others’ evaluations. Additionally, praising children by saying, “You’re so smart!” or “You’re so talented!” can cause them to overlook strategic adjustments in the process, gradually becoming more concerned with appearing intelligent rather than acquiring useful knowledge. This may later lead to anxiety and giving up when faced with challenges.
The “timing” of praise is also crucial. If children receive timely acknowledgment for mastering a task, it will motivate them to improve. Therefore, from the perspective of experts, parents should use these four specific phrases to praise their children at the right moments, which will help foster a growth mindset and develop good habits more effectively than simply saying, “You’re so smart!”
Specify their efforts: “I noticed you’re combining colors much better than before!”
“I saw you revised the introduction of your essay three times. You’re so diligent!”
“I noticed you organized your colored pencils by shade. It looks so neat and pleasing to the eye.”
By observing your children closely and praising their efforts, letting them know what they excel at, you continuously reinforce a growth mindset. This encourages them to approach any challenges they may encounter with a positive attitude.
Empower them: “You fold paper so beautifully; can you teach me?”
“This solution is smarter than anything I’ve learned. Can you be my teacher for 10 minutes?”
“The design of this drive structure is unique. Can you explain the principle behind it?”
“This contrasting color scheme is so creative. Can you be my consultant for this project?”
As the saying goes, “The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know; the more I teach, the more I realize how much I need to learn.”
Next time your child solves a difficult math problem, try saying, “I’ve never seen this solution before! Can you explain it to me?” You’ll find that the process of your “little teacher” explaining and correcting is like twisting the Rubik’s cube of knowledge, rearranging the modules of thinking with each turn.
This role-reversal allows children to complete the process of cognitive repetition through output, which is far more beneficial to their development than simply saying, “You’re so smart.”
Ask specific questions: “How did you do that?”
Studies have shown that children who regularly talk about their strategies have more active prefrontal cortex activity. Therefore, parents should also use this language model to guide their children toward self-awareness and metacognition.
When your child proudly shows off their newly built Lego structure, ask them, “This time, you built it 10 minutes faster. How did you do that?” Subtle praise like this helps shift children from a passive state of being evaluated to an active state of self-analysis. Surprisingly, this process quietly completes the empowerment process.
Let your children see their progress (awareness level), understand the reasons for their improvement (methodological level), and finally, instill the core belief that “I can do better by adjusting my strategies” (value level).
Highlight their strengths: “You didn’t win this game, but your passes were amazing!”
“We may not have won, but your save was incredible!”
“The fries you cut are much more even than last time.”
The key to this type of praise is to emphasize their strengths and appreciate their efforts. Specific compliments help children become more aware of their accomplishments, creating a drive to improve.
Praise is truly the key to unlocking your child’s world. When you replace “You’re amazing” with specific observations, those bright moments will connect to form a galaxy that belongs solely to your child.
Pointing out specific details in their actions helps children understand their worth better. For example, when a child realizes that their impressive save wasn’t just a random act but a result of practice, they will feel prouder of themselves.
Additionally, this helps children develop self-evaluation skills. When they understand their strengths, they can identify areas for improvement and make personal development plans. Specific praise also fosters a stronger bond between parents and children, reinforcing family relationships.
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