There was a time when the IQ score was regarded as the measure for success. However, with the development and changes in society, IQ is no longer the top factor. Michele Borba, an American educational psychologist, author, and renowned TV host, believes that perseverance is more important than IQ. With 40 years of teaching and counseling experience, she provides parents and teachers with honest and effective advice on how to help children develop properly.
Borba states that perseverance is the number one skill that helps children become successful in life. When someone has perseverance, they do not give up when they fail and always believe that their efforts will be rewarded. Therefore, children who possess perseverance are more likely to succeed. Perseverance creates the motivation to try again even after failure, while the lack of perseverance leads people to quit, even when they are close to success, which is regrettable.
Therefore, parents need to grasp these ways to build perseverance in children:
1. Avoid factors that discourage children
The first step is to avoid four factors that “derail” perseverance. Here, Borba uses the abbreviation “FAIL” as a helpful reminder:
Fatigue: Protect your child’s ability to concentrate by following a regular sleep schedule. Turn off electronic devices one hour before bedtime and keep them out of the bedroom at night.
Anxiety: The pressure to succeed can be overwhelming. Express to your child that your love for them is not dependent on their level of success.
Identity solely based on fast achievements: Help your child understand that success is not fixed. Praise your child for their effort rather than the results they achieve.
Learning expectations that don’t match abilities: Set expectations slightly higher than your child’s skill level. High expectations can cause anxiety, while low expectations can lead to boredom.
2. Teach children that mistakes are opportunities for growth
Everyone makes mistakes, so parents need to teach children that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth. Encourage your child to take responsibility for their mistakes and learn how to correct them.
Lead by example, acknowledge your own mistakes, and tell your child, “It’s okay. What matters is that you tried your best.” Admitting your mistakes and apologizing to your child will make them more courageous in facing their own mistakes and learning from them. This helps them realize that we all make mistakes and that success comes when we don’t let failure defeat us.
3. Break down tasks into manageable chunks
When people feel overwhelmed, they tend to give up. Therefore, teaching children to break down larger tasks into smaller steps is very important. When the tasks can be divided, children will feel more confident in completing them according to schedule. When your child has multiple homework assignments, guide them to write down each task and complete them one by one to avoid missing any and feeling pressured.
4. Celebrate small victories
Celebrating small victories can provide extra motivation for children, helping them persevere towards their goals. Especially when there are multiple consecutive failures, celebrating even small victories can reignite perseverance. Encourage your child by saying, for example, “Last time, you spelled six words correctly. Today, you got eight words right. That’s progress. You’re improving because of your hard work.”
5. Extend your child’s focus
If your child wants to give up on a task, place a timer on the table and set an appropriate time interval that matches their attention span. Suggest that your child work on the task until the timer goes off, and then they can take a break.
Encourage your child when they finish the task before the timer goes off, so they feel they have achieved success. Gradually, they will become more focused.
6. Affirm that stumbling is normal
If parents express disappointment and blame their child for their mistakes, the child is more likely to give up. Therefore, parents need to teach children that stumbling is normal and what matters is getting back up and trying again. Children may give up because they cannot see a way out of the challenge. In such situations, parents should share their disappointment with their child and express that it is a normal feeling. At this point, it is important to advise your child to take a rest to regain energy. Then, see if you can assist your child and teach them how to seek help.
7. Praise efforts
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck discovered that when children are praised for their intelligence (e.g., “You’re so smart!”), they are less likely to persevere. However, when they are praised for their effort (e.g., “You worked really hard, and you did great!”), they become more motivated and perform better.
To sustain perseverance, praise the effort your child puts in, not just the scores or results they achieve. According to research, external achievements can diminish a child’s perseverance. That’s why high grades or impressive academic achievements are important but not everything.
8. Use empowering slogans
Negative self-talk such as “I can’t do it” or “I’m not smart enough” undermines perseverance. Help your child choose a concise and positive message to tell themselves when things get difficult.
Encourage your child to repeat that phrase several times a day for a few days until they can remember it and use it on their own. For example, “Not everything has to be perfect. I’ll get better if I keep trying.”
9. Don’t do the work for your child
Many parents, in the name of parenting, take over their children’s work, which is extremely harmful. Let your child do their own work. Parents should avoid doing things for their child in their place. Every time you fix your child’s mistakes or do something for them, they become more dependent on you.
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