Raising Strong, Resilient Kids: The Secret’s in How Parents Praise

Raising a Healthy and Confident Child

To raise a confident and successful child, parents need to be mindful of how they praise their children. Jennifer Breheny Wallace, a Harvard alumna and author of “Never Enough: How Our Push for Perfection Is Harming Young People,” suggests that instead of solely focusing on academic achievements like grades, parents should make an effort to acknowledge and encourage personal qualities that contribute to a child’s success.

“When we focus on strengths in others, we help them feel valued,” Jennifer explained in an interview with CNBC Make It.

Jennifer conducted interviews with child psychologists and surveyed 6,500 parents across the United States for her book. She also collaborated with Richard Weissbourd, a noted psychologist at the Harvard Graduate School of Education.

Jennifer’s research highlights the importance of parents emphasizing honesty, creativity, and other positive character traits in their children, which ultimately help to build their inner strength.

“People become more resilient, not through praise, but through being seen,” Jennifer recalled Weissbourd’s advice.

“We need to recognize the inherent worth of our children, not tied to some external achievement,” Weissbourd stressed.

Some Praise Puts Pressure on Children

Certain forms of praise may not always benefit children as much as we think, according to some psychologists. They suggest that praise based on specific accomplishments can create counterproductive pressure.

In her interviews, Jennifer found that emphasizing high grades or success in competitions can create a psychological burden for many children and teenagers.

“When praise becomes a standard, it creates a level of pressure that kids can’t live up to all the time. It can become ‘Now my parents expect this of me,’ which creates a burden rather than a support,” Jennifer explained.

Research has shown that children who see their academic success as a result of effort and personal strength rather than inherent ability tend to achieve greater academic success.

Instead, children thrive when they perceive that their parents value their effort and hard work, not only their end results.

This recognition helps children build confidence and resilience to face challenges, not fear failure, and develop the fortitude to overcome setbacks.

How to Find the Right Things to Say

Jennifer suggests that discovering the right words to encourage our children is not an easy task. It involves recognizing our children’s strengths, which can sometimes be overshadowed by the pressure of parenting, which often focuses on fixing weaknesses.

“We tend to think our job is to fix what’s wrong. Instead, focus on the strengths already there in your child’s character, not just where they fall short,” Jennifer advises.

Jennifer suggests instituting family meetings with the intention of identifying and celebrating your child’s strengths, such as their bravery, creativity, kindness, humor, and intelligence.

“This gives you an opportunity to see what your child is really good at and encourage them to use those qualities every day.”

Additionally, consulting with teachers can also be helpful, as they often have a unique ability to recognize and foster their students’ strengths.

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