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The Children Are Not ‘Puppets’: 6 Counter-Productive Parenting Styles to Avoid

Forcing children to display contrived acts of "politeness" not only puts undue pressure on them but also inflicts long-lasting psychological harm.

Administrator

22 July, 2024

Nurturing Children: Navigating the Delicate Balance of Discipline and Freedom

Parents often aspire to raise disciplined, sharing, and polite children, deeming these qualities as indicators of successful parenting. However, imposing certain behaviors on children may not yield the desired benefits and could be detrimental to their psychological development and well-being. There are six common “polite” behaviors that parents often force upon their children, but in reality, these demands can do more harm than good.

Forcing Greetings

Parents often get frustrated when their children refuse to greet adults or even try to avoid them. They worry that their children’s behavior reflects poorly on them: “Why won’t my child greet people? Don’t they understand basic manners?” However, a child’s wariness of strangers is a natural psychological response, indicating their developing awareness and self-protection skills. Forcing children to greet others against their will can compromise their sense of safety and self-preservation, potentially leading to social fears later in life.

Instead of coercion, parents should create a comfortable communication environment for their children by using language and gestures. Remove any pressure and allow them to relax. As they become familiar with their surroundings, parents can lead by example, actively demonstrating greeting behaviors, such as saying hello and striking up conversations: “Hello, Auntie,” or “Good day, Uncle.” This approach will encourage children to feel more at ease and willingly engage in social interactions.

Create a Comfortable Communication Environment for Children

Coercing Public Performances

It’s not uncommon for parents to want to showcase their children at parties or events. However, this should never be done by forcing children to perform for the sake of parental pride or ego. Such actions can make children feel helpless and terrified and may even lead them to develop a rebellious attitude towards their genuine talents.

A better approach is to start by listening to your child’s opinions. If they feel comfortable and willing to perform, let them decide on the form of expression they prefer. After the performance, applaud and praise their efforts sincerely. Even if the outcome isn’t as expected, your encouragement and support are crucial, helping them feel valued and motivated.

Enforcing Unfair Compromises

Consider this: if you’re working and your boss says, “You’re still young, so let’s give this opportunity to someone more experienced,” would you readily give up a chance for advancement just because of your age? As parents, we must not criticize our children without understanding the reason behind their actions. Doing so may make them feel unloved, leading to anxiety and a diminished competitive spirit.

Instead of demanding that children compromise simply because they are younger, parents should help them distinguish right from wrong and treat their siblings fairly. Disputes and conflicts are normal among children, and sometimes, they are fully capable of resolving their issues if we ensure a fair environment for them.

Treat Siblings Fairly and Help Children Understand Right from Wrong

Forcing Sharing

Imagine a friend saying, “You can’t possibly use all these beauty products, so give some to me.” Would you readily give them away? Children experience similar feelings. Around the age of three, children enter a “sensitive stage of ownership.” Their beloved toys are as valuable to them as the possessions adults cherish. Forcing children to share without considering their emotions and psychology can impact their sense of ownership and cause anxiety.

Instead, parents should encourage sharing by asking children for their opinions first. Teach them to enjoy the act of sharing while respecting their wishes. Don’t be quick to label them as selfish if they aren’t ready to part with their belongings.

Imposing Rules Without Explanation

Don’t always expect children to behave maturely and understandingly. No matter how intelligent they are, they are still children. Requiring blind obedience can lead to self-repression and the development of a people-pleasing personality at the expense of their genuine emotions.

Parents should create a safe space for children to express their thoughts and feelings. Listen attentively, respect their perspectives, and communicate on equal terms. This approach will help children feel calmer and more confident in expressing themselves.

Create a Safe Space for Children to Express Themselves

Constant Comparison to Other Children

Constantly comparing your child to their more accomplished peers can erode their sense of security and individuality. If this persists, they may become timid and insecure. In reality, every child has unique strengths, and it’s our job to uncover and nurture those talents while helping them recognize and improve their weaknesses.

Each child is distinct, and we must respect their nature. Creating a loving and supportive environment, filled with hugs, praise, and affirmations, will ultimately lead to proud moments for parents and fulfilled potential for children.

Frequently asked questions

Some counter-productive parenting styles include being too permissive, too authoritarian, using manipulation or punishment, treating children as trophies, being a ‘helicopter parent’, and having unrealistic expectations.

Permissive parenting, while creating a fun and relaxed environment, can lead to children lacking discipline and respect for authority. They may struggle with self-regulation and following rules as they grow up.

Authoritarian parenting can result in children becoming fearful and anxious. They may obey out of fear, but this style discourages open communication and can lead to low self-esteem and a lack of independence.

Using manipulation or punishment as a primary parenting style can make children feel they are a burden or that they are ‘bad’. This may lead to self-esteem issues and a negative self-image. They may also learn to manipulate others to get their way.

Treating children as trophies puts undue pressure on them to perform and achieve. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and a fear of failure. Children may also feel they are not loved for who they are but for what they achieve.

Helicopter parenting can result in children who are dependent and lack the skills to solve problems independently. They may struggle with decision-making and taking initiative as they grow up.

Unrealistic expectations can lead to children feeling like they are constantly failing or not living up to their parents’ standards. This can cause anxiety, depression, and low self-worth. It’s important to set achievable goals and support your child’s unique strengths and interests.