According to Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and a leading marriage researcher, a subtle sideways smirk — an expression of contempt — is a clear sign of a marriage in serious trouble.
Gottman conducted one of the most extensive and influential studies on couples, finding that four negative behaviors — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — are the “four horsemen” predicting relationship dissolution.
Of these, contempt is considered the most lethal to a marriage. “If either of you displays contempt — such as a sideways smirk — the likelihood of divorce is very high,” says body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards on the Unplanned podcast, citing Gottman’s research.
More than just guesswork, Gottman’s predictions boast an impressive 93.6% accuracy in forecasting divorce, according to Van Edwards.
Elaborating on the impact of contempt, Van Edwards argues that this emotion is the most destructive: “Fear, joy, and anger can come and go. But contempt smolders, spreads, and corrodes the relationship if left unaddressed.”
“That’s why many couples end up unable to face each other,” she adds.
Van Edwards advises couples to confront this negative emotion head-on: “If you sense contempt, ask directly: ‘Are you okay? What are you feeling right now?’ — because only by bringing it out can you begin to resolve it.”
She also notes that couples often argue about the same three topics repeatedly without realizing it. “Sit down and identify the three core issues that trigger your arguments the most. When a conflict arises, remind each other: ‘We’re falling into issue number 2 again.’ This will help reduce tension and shift the conversation.”
Echoing Gottman’s findings, clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer wrote in a 2019 article that “contempt and disgust in a relationship are like gasoline and a match.”
He points out subtle signs such as eye-rolling, lip-curling, or small gestures like fidgeting or picking at one’s clothes during a conversation as indications of simmering contempt.
Schneer terms these behaviors “The Lint Pickers” — a powerful nonverbal signal revealing underlying contempt.
To defuse escalating conflicts, he recommends using humor, changing the subject, or temporarily removing yourself from the situation if tensions rise too high.
For while love may be blind, contempt — that ever-present enemy of relationships — is always written plainly on the face.
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