Professor Li Mai Can, a renowned scholar from the People’s Public Security University of China, once emphasized that when a child is disobedient, the fault lies not with the child but with the parents.
According to Professor Li, children’s issues often stem from adults. Children under 10 years old spend most of their time at home, and the people they interact with the most are their parents. Their understanding and perspectives of the world are primarily formed through their parents.
When children aspire to learn and become socially successful, their parents are the most direct role models they look up to. Therefore, children are a reflection of their parents. All the characteristics and issues of the parents will be mirrored in the children.
Hence, when parents notice their children displaying attitudes of arrogance, irritability, or disrespect, they need to introspect and rectify their own shortcomings before blaming their children. They should work on improving themselves, addressing the root causes of any mistakes, and creating a healthy family environment.
Introspect and Address Your Own Shortcomings First
If parents persist in the following four habits, their children are likely to become increasingly rebellious.
Suppressing Children’s Autonomy
Young children have a need for autonomy and want to be heard. Therefore, when parents try to intervene in their activities, children tend to resist and rebel.
Allow your children to do things on their own, such as making their beds if they feel like it. This is the most effective way for them to understand that they are capable of executing their own plans and thus develop a sense of autonomy.
Excessive Advising
In psychology, there is a concept known as the “over-limiting effect,” a negative psychological state that occurs when individuals are overstimulated or stimulated too intensely over a prolonged period. As a result, they feel extremely uncomfortable and tend to rebel.
In other words, the more you advise and urge your children, the less effective and meaningful it becomes. Constant urging can lead to decreased motivation and increased resentment.
In the Chinese variety show “After School,” there is a telling example of this. A bright and adorable girl, Wu Huanru, who consistently ranked among the top three students in her school, still couldn’t please her mother. Her mother constantly pushed her, wanting her to understand that hard work today would lead to a better future. However, this pressure took a toll on Wu Huanru, and she eventually snapped at her mother, threatening to run away if the urging continued.
Hearing these words, her mother went from shocked to helpless, unable to comprehend why her concern elicited such anger from her daughter.
An educator who appeared on “After School” analyzed the situation: “To be a successful mother, remember two words: stay silent. When a mother stops nagging, the child’s troubles decrease by 50%.”
According to this educator, children’s rebellion sometimes stems from a lack of respectful communication from parents. Saying something once is far more effective than repeating it multiple times. Excessive advising not only fails to ensure the child’s success but also disrupts the bond between parent and child, driving them further apart.
Respectful Communication is Key
Controlling Children’s Impulsivity
In many situations, parents express their disappointment by forbidding their children from doing certain things. However, children often end up doing the exact opposite of what they are told not to do.
In reality, children have not yet fully developed self-control skills. The ability to control impulsivity is a complex skill that takes time and adult guidance to master. So, when children exhibit undesirable behavior, instead of getting angry, parents should remain patient and adjust their approach.
Parental patience and calmness will teach children how to effectively manage their emotions and behaviors. When you stay calm, you allow yourself time to think carefully and respond appropriately, ultimately benefiting your child’s development.
Not Allowing Children to Express Negative Emotions
Children experience emotions just like adults, but unlike adults, they haven’t learned to hide or suppress their negative emotions. Additionally, they struggle to express their feelings verbally. This is why it’s crucial to help children find healthy ways to express their emotions.
One effective way to support your children is to ask them directly about what’s going on in their minds. Create a private and safe space for them to share their feelings. This will not only make them feel heard but also help you understand their experiences and offer more effective support.
Create a Safe Space for Emotional Expression
Not Maintaining a Balance in Children’s Activities
Encouraging children to engage in developmental activities is positive, but if they are pressured by too many activities, you may be unintentionally overstimulating them. This can lead to fatigue or burnout, manifesting in different ways depending on their age:
– Infants: May show signs of listlessness, fatigue, turning away, or clenching their fists.
– Preschoolers: Often appear listless, easily irritable, cry without being able to explain why, and refuse to participate in other activities.
– School-age children: May become less skillful, seek more adult attention, and require more assistance than usual.
Therefore, maintaining a reasonable balance in children’s activities helps them feel safer and more stable, contributing to their overall physical and mental development.
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The difference between children who like to argue back and those who never argue back when they grow up.
Different environments shape different children. Some parents will find their child to be argumentative, always ready with a counterargument if you say something, they will have plenty of words waiting for you to refute them; they often act like a talkative person.
