According to child psychologist Laura Markham from the US, author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” and founder of the parenting website Aha! Parenting, saying “no” to children restricts their thinking within a confined space. “The child is sort of ‘shut down’. They feel their initiatives are being shut down,” observes Dr. Markham.
As a parent myself, I always want to agree with my son. Even when I have to say “no,” I try to give him some form of affirmation. However, hearing the word “no” is also essential.
Dr. Markham states that denying children helps establish boundaries and limits and can support their development, both physically and mentally, as well as emotionally.
Child Psychologist Laura Markham
She emphasizes that never saying no to children might result in them not knowing how to face the real world. But when should we deny our children? According to Dr. Markham, there are nine instances when parents must say “no” to their children.
1. Participating in Bullying
This is like a moral test for a child. “If someone is acting ugly to another child, even if that person is your good friend and the bullied child is someone you don’t know or don’t like, you should not participate in this bullying,” Dr. Markham guides parents on what to say to their children.
2. Damaging Others’ Property
“Even if you’re angry with your brother, you shouldn’t go into his room and damage his belongings. We need to respect others’ personal property,” suggests Dr. Markham as one of the many ways to communicate this to your child.
3. Undressing in Public
According to Dr. Markham, children aged four and above should not undress in public anymore. This is almost a rule that parents need to remember to protect their children.
Therefore, when children demand to undress in a crowded place, parents should refuse and explain to them something along the lines of: “The human body is fantastic. They are robust, beautiful, and unique, but some parts are very private, and you can’t share them with everyone.”
4. On an Airplane
Airlines always have certain rules that must be followed, no matter your age, and therefore, if your child intends to “make a scene” on the plane, you need to immediately say “no” to avoid trouble.
“Children should not kick the seat in front of them, play with the meal tray as it may disturb the person next to them, or make noise on the plane. It is a public space,” emphasizes Dr. Markham.
Child being mischievous on an airplane. (Illustrative image)
5. Following Strangers
Dr. Markham states, “Most strangers that children encounter are good people, but they should still be taught that in any situation, they should not follow or go with someone they don’t know.”
Therefore, parents should clearly communicate to their children that they do not agree with them going with or receiving anything from strangers to avoid putting themselves in dangerous situations.
6. Breaking a Promise to a Friend
One of the rules in Dr. Markham’s family is, “You should not break a promise to a friend just because you now have a more attractive option. That is understanding and respecting that friend.”
Dr. Markham explains that if your child has plans to go somewhere with a friend after school, but another friend invites them to “go get ice cream,” for instance, your child could ask the second friend if they can bring the first friend along.
If that is not possible, your child should decline the invitation and stick to the original plan. It shows that your child is responsible, keeps their promises, and this plays a crucial role in forming their character later on.
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