Phase 1: Desire for praise
In the initial phase of development, every child craves to feel respected and loved. They naturally seek recognition and praise from their parents. However, when this love and approval become conditional, children may develop an excessive desire for praise.
For example, when adults frequently make comments like “if you don’t do this, I won’t love you anymore” or “I only truly like you when you’re obedient,” children easily develop a goal of seeking praise.
The highlight of this phase is that children only act according to their parents’ wishes when they receive praise. They only clean the house when called “excellent” or focus on doing homework when praised as “well-behaved.”
This conditional praise method can lead children to be willing to do anything, even cheat, just to be seen as perfect in their parents’ eyes.
In the initial phase of development, every child craves to feel respected and loved.
Phase 2: Attention-seeking
In this second phase, a child who once craved praise but didn’t feel attention even when successful may shift to seeking attention in any way possible. They may try to attract attention by making jokes, causing disturbances, or even provoking unnecessarily.
Less confident children may not directly choose to cause trouble to avoid severe punishment. Instead, they may use negative tactics such as losing things or intentionally failing, hoping for help from their parents.
To cope with the excessive attention-seeking behavior of children, parents should remain calm, ignore odd or constant annoying behavior from the child. Another effective method is to encourage children to participate in household chores with their parents, then genuinely thank them, helping children feel valued without the need for negative attention-seeking.
Phase 3: Power struggle
Children may intentionally disobey, break rules, or resist any demands from their parents.
The third phase introduces a new challenge as children strive to gain attention unsuccessfully and start displaying anger, leading to oppositional behavior towards their parents. Children may intentionally disobey, break rules, or resist any demands from their parents.
Parents often feel stuck in a power struggle, where every choice seems to lead to increased conflict: yielding to the child means the child wins, while imposing their will means parents win but at the cost of exhaustion and helplessness.
To handle this situation, parents need to approach it delicately. Instead of giving orders, parents should ask open-ended questions and set clear expectations about timing, such as asking when the child will start doing homework and reminding them in advance. If the child doesn’t comply, parents need to be consistent and resolute in taking the next steps, such as turning off the TV, tidying up toys, to guide the child without having to say too much. Concrete actions are often more effective than words, helping avoid unnecessary power struggles between parents and children.
Phase 4: Revenge
In the fourth phase, children retaliate against their parents’ imposition and punishment by intentionally performing actions to cause anger or disappointment. This is revengeful behavior, reflecting accumulated frustration from suppression. Children will try to challenge by doing things their parents hate the most, such as swearing or coming back home late.
When punishment and scolding are no longer effective, children become more stubborn, and the situation may become worse. This is when parents need to recognize the need to seek professional psychological help to address conflicts in a healthy way and rebuild the parent-child relationship based on mutual understanding and respect.
In the fourth phase, children retaliate against their parents’ imposition and punishment by intentionally performing actions to cause anger or disappointment.
Phase 5: Proving incompetence
In the fifth phase, children immerse themselves in the belief that they are inadequate, unable to meet their parents’ expectations, and may even give up trying. The expression of this disappointment is refusing to engage in positive activities and frequently saying “let me be.” Parents feel powerless and sad witnessing this.
This is a phase that requires strong and timely intervention to prevent long-term consequences on a child’s psychology and development. Changes in parenting approach are necessary, with a loving and supportive approach, helping the child feel accompanied and supported in the process of growing up, to help them develop self-esteem and recognize their own worth.
Learning Tips for Parents: 12 Japanese Techniques to Use with Your Children
Discover the 12 principles of teaching children in the traditional Japanese way that parents can learn with Dien May XANH! By instilling these principles when your children are young, you can ensure that they grow up to be obedient, smart and polite, the hallmarks of a successful education in Japan.
3 Things Mothers Should Avoid When Teaching Children
Parents working together harmoniously can greatly enhance the effectiveness of child rearing. Therefore, when the father is teaching the child, it’s best for the mother to refrain from doing these three things.
“Parents’ words shape their children’s destiny: The power of positive parenting”
Raising a child is not just about providing them with food, clothing, and education. Every word spoken by parents has a significant impact on the destiny of their child.
The difference between children who like to argue back and those who never argue back when they grow up.
Different environments shape different children. Some parents will find their child to be argumentative, always ready with a counterargument if you say something, they will have plenty of words waiting for you to refute them; they often act like a talkative person.
2 parenting mistakes Japanese parents don’t make, raising independent and well-behaved children from an early age
Since childhood, Japanese parents have always aimed to teach their children independence. That is why there are two things that Japanese parents do not do when teaching their children.
